Dysthymia is a weird beast. In most ways it allows me to function seemingly unaffected by the pull of depression. For most folks I think describing dysthymia as chronic depressive disorder or even high functioning depression gives a better idea of what it does. For me the daily grind is just background noise these days. I rarely feel ‘good’ about the coming days but I don’t necessarily experience the anxiety or dread I did during the lowest point of my depression. CBT, diet shift, increases in activity have helped to bolster me against its effects but obviously it’s an ongoing lifestyle change.
Some of my self-care approaches and coping tools will seem very odd. Most probably won’t work for others but I thought I’d outline them here. I’ve always enjoyed being a target shooter, there’s something about the focus that really works for me. I’m able to get out of my emotions, pull away from the looped thoughts and just focus on the activity at hand. That might not sound like much to some, but getting out of a state of rumination is extremely difficult for me at times. There’s also the old saying that there is no such thing as a bad day at the range. I also enjoy trying my hand here and there at cooking. Asian, French, Italian and casual American cuisine have all been things I’ve enjoyed making, be it traditional recipes or trying things with a tech slant like sous vide cooking. Being able to have a tangible product at the end of the process is something I still find very fulfilling. The one thing I had never tried however, was baking.
Baking was always my ex-wife’s thing. She enjoyed making desserts and sweets for friends. While I enjoyed the occasional sweet, I was usually more of a savory type of eater. Recently as stress increases at work were weighting on me, I decided to just try blending two things and seeing if the double-dose would help. So here I was on two extremes of my hobbies. In the early morning I readied my guns, cleaned prepped and packed up. Downing some coffee and a quick breakfast I headed out for some time at the range. My usual target practice concluded, I came home, hopped in the shower and immediately after I dried off, began my trial by fire in baking.
Bread always seemed like a mystery to me. I had tried here and there to use simple batters in things like brownies or cakes but dealing with a yeasted bread was a whole new thing for me. I decided to try out a Hokkaido bread, which seemed easy enough as it didn’t require a lot of intricate activation of the yeast. So here I was, stand mixer, whisks and flour replacing my pistol, protective gear and gunpowder. I found myself second guessing a lot, which I suppose is to be expected. Did I reduce the starter down enough? Did I over-knead the dough? In the end, after allowing the dough to proof and then the oddly satisfying cutting and portioning out of the dough, I slapped everything into the oven and waited… and waited. Patience has never particularly been one of my strengths but I hoped I hadn’t fouled up anything. The timer finally went off, I opened up the oven and hey… it looked like bread. Waiting to have that little mound of dough cool was probably the most frustrating thing as I could smell the results… which seemed right, but the final test would be tearing into the rolls and seeing if the texture worked.
To my relief it was actually good! Soft, fluffy and not too-sweet. I had the chance to share my creation with my mother (who is herself an excellent cook) and I was pleasantly surprise that even she approved of my end product. We got to talking about it, things I could try the ‘next time’ I made a loaf.
So here I was, morning to early evening, having gone from bullets to bread. Tired but satisfied and unlike my ‘range days’ where all I had to show were targets with gaping holes, here I had something that you could touch, smell and best of all eat. Everyone’s treatment course for their depression is bound to be unique. For some folks that means a mix of psychotherapy, medication and a mixture of lifestyle changes. For me, it’s been about retraining my thoughts, feeding my body things I was probably neglecting and working through my stressors in ways that were ‘me’ and not destructive. If you’ve followed along with my blog or are finding me for the first time I hope you are able to find your ‘Bullets and Bread’ activity that helps you best.
By contrast my other exploration outside of my comfort zone will seem like a complete homebody. Bread. Baking was never my thing in my teens or as a young adult. When I was married my wife was the predominant baker in the household. It was something that in some ways seemed to be too involved for me (stand mixers, yeast, proofing) but I found it to be so far off from my normal types of cooking that everything was interesting. Every little bit of knowledge became novel and a potential thing I could grow from.
