My ex-wife liked to believe that spouses should be evenly yoked. Three years out from our divorce and I’ve realized that I don’t ascribe to the same viewpoint. Living with clinical depression poses a number of problems to such thinking and in retrospect gave me a different perspective as to why my marriage failed.
One of the biggest fears anyone within the depression spectrum faces is feeling like a burden. In a relationship, be it dating or marriage you worry about dragging your partner down. In the view of being yoked you cease to keep pace with your partner. Eventually that can harm a relationship. In many ways I feel like that’s what happened to me. Eventually my spouse could no longer be happy with a sense that as I was no longer at her pace and I was in fact no longer a benefit while yoked. I think for her I was constantly dragging her down, be it intentional or not. I don’t fault her choice in ending the marriage. I don’t think I was a particularly easy person to live with during the last two years we were wed.
I’ve come to view a different type of relationship, particularly for people suffering from depression. Two beasts of burden joined at the neck isn’t the metaphor that I believe works. Instead it’s a pack, like sled dogs. I know, initially this sounds like the exact same thing right? There’s a subtle difference. With dog sleds it isn’t necessarily that they are paired and side by side, they are grouped by a role that complements the others. There’s the lead dogs, the swing dogs, the team dogs and wheel dogs. The lead dog keeps the whole group on path, the swing dogs help turn, the team dogs carry the main burden of sustaining speed while the wheel dogs bear the weight and the initial forward movement. Here’s the thing with this metaphor though. At times the lead dog changes depending on the conditions. They work as a pack together. (Sled dogs positions) Thinking this way I feel is more true to the fluid needs of a relationship.
Living with a significant other battling depression has similarities. There are times they may lead, while in other circumstances they’ll be just trying to bear the load and maintain. When things are different they may be a swing dog following their partner’s lead instead. Yet other times perhaps they’ll be at the back, just helping to get forward momentum going. The metaphor isn’t perfect, I’ll grant that. Real life is far from a linear thing, and partners won’t always be moving in the same direction, but I think the idea of changing positions and roles to suite the conditions is a more encompassing representation than the yoked pair that my ex reference.
I suppose it’s ironic then that one of the morale patches I keep on my shooting gear is one of a lone wolf. Where I am today, I have no pack, but I still try to get out there. Someday maybe someone will want to run with me, but until then, all I can do is move forward in my own way.