depression – Vraxx — The Long Road

Depression and Anxiety Amid COVID-19

I doubt most of us could have fathomed that a viral outbreak would lead to a time of extreme social isolation. For most people this is a hard pill to swallow but there’s a different viewpoint to be had from folks, like myself, who have often self-isolated voluntarily.

For most people reducing human contact to this extent probably feels stifling. Yet we live in a world full of technology where ‘reaching’ out doesn’t have to equate with being face to face. For me it was a subtle shift. I had adopted work from home early on due to various family circumstances. As depression crept more and more into my daily life I had barely noticed that I wasn’t really going out as much. Several years later, post-divorce, post-diagnosis, I started to observe just how my social interaction had shifted. I purposely left events early, I’d go at the least populated times to shop. Large social circles weren’t a big draw for me. Flash forward to today and everyone is now forced to limit their interaction in much the same way, even moreso.

Most are worried about supplies and cabin fever taking over, loss of healthy activities. Me, I worry for peoples’ mental health. It’s going to be a very new experience for most to not have options like the gym, or the pub to unwind. Left in your home with nothing but your chores and thoughts can be daunting. For me the same tools I’ve used to deal with depression still apply. I eat differently as I’m less active than most. I take supplements to try and offset my lack of Vit-D. I use stationary exercise gear to keep some semblance of activity. Reading becomes a bigger part of my day if only to escape the news.

There’s one thing I do fear though. Humor is normally a good outlet and a way for us to bring levity amid a crisis. Me, I worry that when this pandemic eventually runs its course how are people going to view social distancing and isolation. Will we become more mindful of personal space and hygiene? Will people look at those of us who self isolate like fools? Ideally to me there’d be a greater degree of understanding out there. People would try to respect everyone’s health a bit more be it physical or mental. Sadly though I don’t know that’s really the case. We forget too quickly after a crisis but here’s hoping that we manage to grow as people as a result of this terrible situation.

Why I Love and Hate Valentines Day

Chocolates abound, red hearts everywhere, stuffed bears and roses at every corner. Yeah it’s that time of year again. As a divorcé I’ve come to develop a very mixed relationship with this time of year. I enjoy seeing my married/dating friends happy, but it’s something that I feel somewhat separate from. Not because I’m unattached but because the idea of romance is so far out of my head that it almost feels alien.

I’m approaching V-Day 2020 a little differently this year. In years past I’ve generally just walled up and tried to simply get other work done. This year I’m debating doing some range time, either a competition primer or just a range practice day. I hope to bake, motivation willing but I don’t want to isolate as much as years past. The most painful parts of my divorce are done and I realize I have to start taking those baby steps forward.

One aspect of Valentines that’s always hard for me with my depression is similar to what pains me about Christmas. It has become almost competitive as a social standing. With social media I’ve always felt like Valentines day is a game of one-upmanship where each couple is looking to top the next one they see. “Your bf got you roses, mine got me roses chocolates” “oh yeah, mine got me gold roses and imported chocolate” and on and one. The extent to which this judgement is pushed, marketed and sometimes used to shame others has gotten unbearable for me. If you love someone shouldn’t you be showing that just about any day? Sure maybe you can make a different date plan but it should be intimate, not spread-eagle for the world to gawk at.

If I had a singular hope for those people struggling with mental health issues around this time of year it’s that I wish any one with depression, anxiety or any other condition to have a partner that knows that it’s the isolated, intimate moment that makes a day like Valentines potentially special. Sometimes it isn’t the grand gesture or showing off about town. Sometimes it’s just as simple as heart shaped pancakes and being able to Netflix and chill with someone that gets you. The world doesn’t have to know your love, long as your love knows they are the world to you.

New Years and Depression – Coping Ideas

So I’ll be very blunt. October through about April is the hardest part of the year for me depression-wise. The collapse of my marriage and subsequent divorce more or less ran from those months and while I try not to dwell on the really painful memories it entailed it still affects me to this day. I have however come to understand that I have to find outlets and methods to cope with it and being New Years Eve I thought I’d schedule this particular post for anyone having difficulties as the year draws to a close.

New Years is always a time where people take to self reflection. I do that constantly, to the point where it ramps my anxiety. As such the increased focus on it in social media, news and social circles can become overwhelming. As down as it sounds, I stopped treating Christmas and the run up to the New Years as something to celebrate. After all being Asian my family actually celebrates the Lunar New Year more than NYE/NY. I don’t make particularly elaborate plans, I just treat it as ‘a day off’ from work. But what does that really mean right?

Call me a Grinch I suppose, I don’t really go all-in with Christmas but as a result, my budget is OK, I don’t stress about parties or gifts (except for those really close to me) and I try to focus on positive messages and thank you to those who have managed to still keep in touch. I find activities that have a short turn around time and yield fun results. The latest experiment for me, coffee gummy bears.

Cooking has been rather cathartic for me, between healthier eating and the occasional bread-making, I’ve tried to expand into recipes that I don’t really know as well. This past Christmas I experimented with paleo-friendly gummies. The main reason? They take all of ten minutes to actually mix, and just an hour to set and enjoy. While an hour can sometimes seems like an eternity, I tried to find small activities throughout the holidays that could yield results. Other tasks I passed the time with, Lego sets while waiting on laundry. Seems silly right, but it gets two things out of the way. You’re distracted while cleaning so that you aren’t sitting there listening to the drone of a washer/dryer and you’re making progress on cleaning up around yourself and self-care.

I realize my outlets aren’t going to necessarily line up with everybody else, but consider some of the aspects of my approaches and apply them to yourself. If you like cooking, try a small recipe you’ve been meaning to try out, doesn’t need to be candy. Like building things, maybe try out a building game rather than an FPS shooter (The Sims, Parkitect, Rimworld). Vary your pattern just enough so that you get something ‘different’ than just your daily.

Motivation is probably the biggest issue with anything I’ve mentioned above, and I get that. There’s a lot of mornings it’s a struggle to want to cook or try cleaning up anything. So remember that a lot of it is momentum. Don’t try to be grand in your plan like “I’m going to clean the whole room”. Go smaller, tidy up just the bed itself. If you have that forward push, maybe try sorting a drawer. If you find your motivation waning, move on from the cleaning to something else.

The holidays are rough, but if you can find those two or three things to get you through the day without putting a strain on your mental health it makes a difference. I know, I know it sounds like some stupid motivational meme thing right? My days aren’t full of constant cooking and positivity, there are a lot of days I just sort of zombie-walk my way through things. No matter what your current situation, small changes, big changes, anything to move into a better mental health space helps. It doesn’t always feel like it, I know, but while there’s no magic cure-all, you can find ways to fight back against the undertow.

Combating Dysthymia Short Game/Long Game

One of the biggest issues I’ve faced in dealing with dysthymia is motivation. Let’s face it when you don’t feel joy from anything being able to put forth focus and dedicate time to something becomes harder and harder to do. This applies to just about everything I do, including my coping mechanisms.

Lately I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus from my target shooting to focus on budget and managing things in my day-to-day life. While this is good in the sense that I’m trying to be responsible, it also meant one outlet for stress wasn’t really there. Normally I’d turn to baking or other small projects (LEGOs, journaling) to help me with focus but that wasn’t really working out. Today however I tried to get back on track and reminded myself of the need for short-turn around rewards, playing the short game. The hardest thing is starting, definitely a truth that anyone struggling with depression or anxiety has to deal with. I found myself getting up thinking “Hey I’ll make a loaf of bread” and then as I’d plan out I realized there was the entire process of having to prep, proof, form, bake, cool and well there went any motivation I had. To try and get out of this pattern I tried to alter my routine slightly so I wouldn’t lose motivation. Normally I brew some coffee in the morning but this means waking up groggy, grinding beans and making a fresh cup of java. This time however I opted to brew some coffee the evening before so that I wouldn’t have to go through the process while I was at my lowest motivation point. Luckily I happen to like iced coffee and cold brew. So here I was at 6AM, fresh-ish cup of coffee in hand. I wouldn’t try to force myself to make a big loaf of something, I set my sights a bit more “down to earth”. I opted to make something which didn’t have to proof or was nearly as involved. A simple drop-scone recipe.

Some iced coffee and a small snack to kick start the morning

The change in my routine kept me a bit on my toes and working on a recipe I hadn’t done before gave it novelty. As I preheated my oven and sipped my coffee I piled together my ingredients on the table and got ready to mix. Once my oven was at temp, in started the mixing. It was simple, quick and something I hadn’t really tried before. No loaf pans, no complex yeast to factor in. After a quick mixing I grabbed a scooper and plopped the dough down and in it went. Twenty minutes later out came the net result. Thankfully the baseline recipe I opted for worked pretty well and now I had some nice strawberry scones to go with my brew. It was a small victory, but one that I needed to keep me going.

Sometimes victories are small, but they keep you moving forward

If you find your drive slipping during a depressive episode or just as a general low, try to take a step back and look at what you can do to switch from items requiring a long commitment to things you can do within your interests or coping tools with a shorter return. It isn’t always easy to find ways to reduce that investment but it can provide that kickstart and inertia to keep you moving forward. Sometimes you have to play the short game to make progress in the long game. It’s never easy but you can make progress.

Quirks – Why Summer is More Annoying for Me

One of the weirder things for me is that while winter and fall don’t trigger much for me in the sense of seasonal depression, I do find that my ire is usually higher in summer.

Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s that folks tend to be out and about and louder and I’m just the classic old-guy yelling at kids to get off his lawn (if I had a lawn). Perhaps some of it stems from being more of an introverted personality. I’m more asocial than most of the folks here and I prefer a relatively low-hum drum level of base noise over the raucous sounds of a celebration. Could just be that I find it easier to deal with the cold where I can just add layers versus the heat and humidity. There’s only so many layers you _can_ take off before people are likely to call the cops on you.

Whatever the root cause summer isn’t actually my favorite time of the year and this summer has been particularly hot and humid. As a result though I’ve tried to focus on healthier habits. Less fats, lower sodium and sugars. More keeping hydrated, more vegetables. I suppose in some way this is my chance to get a jump start on trying to be healthier so when the weather does get cold and rainy and I can’t get my body moving, I’m not backsliding as much.

You can’t change the conditions outside (climate change not withstanding) but you can change how your habits shift to adapt. Amid all the different things I’ve learned while trying to navigate my depression, the need to adapt is probably the biggest. It’s uncomfortable and difficult at first but once you find a path that works for you while also being positive forward momentum it gets a little easier. If you’re still trying to find your route don’t get frustrated, it’s going to take time. One thing, one small step, just take it at your pace.

Depression – Musings on Role Models, Tinfoil Knights and Fallen Paladins

Been away from the blogsphere for a while, mostly trying to focus on myself and trying to improve my life situation. Of course I’ve still tried to keep up where I can on other depression blogs and news (ugh) where able. One item that I happened to come across hit a bit close to home.

Anna Akana was one of the first YouTubers I watched as I was beginning to wrap my head around depression. Her posts were approachable, tinged with humor and felt like they came from a good place. I had heard similar language from my ex-wife during our vows and I guess the depressed side of me really started to ruminate about the whole thing. I’ve never liked the idea of men today having to live up to a white knight image. I’m flawed in many ways, as anyone is as trying to compare myself to that sort of ideal feels futile and self defeating. While at the time it was a sweet gesture for my then fiance to think of me as a knight, in retrospect I now began wondering if I was in fact just a tinfoil knight. This train of thought got me thinking about role models and how over time I simply stopped believing in them. It isn’t that I don’t think there’s good people out there, but I realize short of some miracle of omniscience, you can never truly know everything about someone. Everything we do is based on perception. Having said that though there’s still people I enjoy hearing good news about.

Case in point, Keanu Reeves.

As someone with an interest in competitive shooting, I was honestly floored to see how much Keanu dedicated himself to the role of John Wick with his martial arts training and what I can only imagines were weeks if not months of intense training with Taran Butler (https://tarantacticalinnovations.com/) I had always read small news bits here and there about some of the tragic history he himself has seen. In comparison I always felt like my challenges were a bit mundane. Through all of it though I saw someone who was a rarity in Hollywood. A person who seemed very much to be grounded and humble and a good person on and off camera. While I have joked on social media that John Wick is my spirit guide, the reality is Keanu himself serves as the better reminder that you can overcome darkness without losing yourself to it.

Role models are a tricky thing. Especially with the way we glorify celebrity. I’d like to think that I take from certain people the best lessons I can. Be it a YouTuber and advocate like Anna Akana, a humble and dedicated action star like Keanu or even just the random people I see committing acts of kindness on the street. I don’t think I’d ever consider myself a role model. That kinda pressure isn’t for me, but perhaps in some small way I’ve at least been a reminder to someone out there that even amid depression and adversity you can try to keep moving forward. So maybe I’m not a knight, tinfoil or otherwise. Maybe in some ways I’m just a fallen paladin. The thing about falling down though? You can get back up and keep moving forward.

Depression, Relationships and Being Equals or Being Complementary

My ex-wife liked to believe that spouses should be evenly yoked. Three years out from our divorce and I’ve realized that I don’t ascribe to the same viewpoint. Living with clinical depression poses a number of problems to such thinking and in retrospect gave me a different perspective as to why my marriage failed.

One of the biggest fears anyone within the depression spectrum faces is feeling like a burden. In a relationship, be it dating or marriage you worry about dragging your partner down. In the view of being yoked you cease to keep pace with your partner. Eventually that can harm a relationship. In many ways I feel like that’s what happened to me. Eventually my spouse could no longer be happy with a sense that as I was no longer at her pace and I was in fact no longer a benefit while yoked. I think for her I was constantly dragging her down, be it intentional or not. I don’t fault her choice in ending the marriage. I don’t think I was a particularly easy person to live with during the last two years we were wed.

I’ve come to view a different type of relationship, particularly for people suffering from depression. Two beasts of burden joined at the neck isn’t the metaphor that I believe works. Instead it’s a pack, like sled dogs. I know, initially this sounds like the exact same thing right? There’s a subtle difference. With dog sleds it isn’t necessarily that they are paired and side by side, they are grouped by a role that complements the others. There’s the lead dogs, the swing dogs, the team dogs and wheel dogs. The lead dog keeps the whole group on path, the swing dogs help turn, the team dogs carry the main burden of sustaining speed while the wheel dogs bear the weight and the initial forward movement. Here’s the thing with this metaphor though. At times the lead dog changes depending on the conditions. They work as a pack together. (Sled dogs positions) Thinking this way I feel is more true to the fluid needs of a relationship.

Living with a significant other battling depression has similarities. There are times they may lead, while in other circumstances they’ll be just trying to bear the load and maintain. When things are different they may be a swing dog following their partner’s lead instead. Yet other times perhaps they’ll be at the back, just helping to get forward momentum going. The metaphor isn’t perfect, I’ll grant that. Real life is far from a linear thing, and partners won’t always be moving in the same direction, but I think the idea of changing positions and roles to suite the conditions is a more encompassing representation than the yoked pair that my ex reference.

I suppose it’s ironic then that one of the morale patches I keep on my shooting gear is one of a lone wolf. Where I am today, I have no pack, but I still try to get out there. Someday maybe someone will want to run with me, but until then, all I can do is move forward in my own way.

One Wedding and a Funeral

An ex-gf of mine really loved Four Weddings and a Funeral and to be fair it was a good film. Aside from borrowing the title a bit though my blog post has nothing to do w/the British comedy. Instead it has to be with an actual wedding and an actual funeral. I haven’t posted much, due in no small part to well just nothing really happening that I felt merited a blog. I’ve had some time to process a few things however and thought I’d share some experiences I’ve had at late and how I had to work through them. I apologize for the length of this blog post in advance.

First up, loss and where the funeral part of this blog comes into play. In the last year, year and a half or so, I found what is clearly a dangerous but effective activity for me *hand waving again this works for me I don’t recommend it for everyone*. Target shooting, and competitive shooting has strangely been something I’ve been able to sink my teeth into. It’s gotten me back into communicating with others and out of the house more. One of the individuals I met was a member of law enforcement and a very good shooter. I’ll call him J for the sake of this blog. At the age of twenty-six J’s life was cut short, just a few weeks before we were to resume our local league night. I’m no stranger to loss, through my employer I was connected to one of the largest work place shootings in the US. It changed how workplace security was looked at and made me doubly nervous as I got back into hunting and target shooting. While I had only known J through our mutual interest in competitive shooting he was always full of energy, smiles and laughter. I came to find out that a coworker of mine was very close with J’s family and together we attended his services. It was surreal to be there. Seeing him and saying my goodbyes I thought back to when I was twenty six still trying to figure things out. Knowing my own depression I had to be increasingly vigilant to monitor myself and take care of myself. I cut out any form of drinking and tried eating as healthy as I could. Very little sugar, reduced starch, things that would be escapes and comfort foods to make sure that I wasn’t starting on a downward spiral. Eventually after making my peace with it, I found myself back on the shooting line, a photo of J placed in memoriam watching over us. Our first league night was dedicated to his memory and as part of that I wanted to do as well as I could to honor both a LEO and fellow competitor.

A close friend and fellow blogger who attended my wedding so many years ago announced she was engaged. She was set to marry in April, ironically right around the time that marked the anniversary of my divorce. We’ll just call her C. C was mutual friends with both my ex-wife and the guy she left me for. Both would be in attendance at her wedding. My knee jerk reaction was to graciously decline the invite to attend but C had remained my friend amid my divorce and knowing both her and her fiancé I wanted to do what I could. By the time the invitations came out I knew that while I wanted to attend the ceremony the prospect of seeing my ex and her new boyfriend wasn’t something I felt I was going to be able to handle well. A bit of back and forth and I let C know that while I felt tremendously honored to be invited that I wouldn’t be there for the reception. In the back of my head I could hear depression, anxiety and doubt saying all the things I expected them to. Coward, loser, why even go if you won’t stay for the celebration? I had to look in the mirror and really gauge where my balance point was. I was truly so very happy for C and her fiancé but I also knew that I was in no mental shape to try and fake a smile amid old friends, strangers and my ex. It was a compromise to be sure. Between my own mental health and my desire to wish only the best for a friend who had stood by me. Attend I did, arriving early to scope the scene. While I had hoped to be in better shape, I at least felt OK in how I appeared. Going in I knew I’d have to see old former friends and strangers. I greeted those I knew, a few opted not to greet me or acknowledge me. I expected that. As my ex, her new boyfriend and the guy she left me for (man is there a better word for that?) arrived I gave them all a wide berth. I could make out a look of ‘oh great he’s here’ as my ex neared the ceremony site and caught wind of me. As I was amid a group of our mutual friends I stepped away, silently. I let her say her hellos and I positioned myself on the edges of the observing crowd. It was a beautiful ceremony, one that definitely showcased both of them. As the ceremony concluded and we were ushered to the reception space I knew it was my time to go. I bumped into a few of the mutual friends and said my goodbyes. I think a few them understood why I couldn’t be there, others were more shocked that I’d be there only to leave before the real celebration even began. It was a conscious choice. I’ve never really been the partying type and with my ex and various other folks in attendance, there was no way I would be anything close to agreeable. It’s my baggage to deal with. I doubt my presence affected my ex in way other than initial annoyance. It was C’s day, their big moment. I wasn’t about to cast a shadow over things. As I drove home from the venue I assured myself I had made a choice that was best for me. I messaged the new bride my well wishes and sent a few notes to the overlapping friends that I had to depart.

In both cases, J’s funeral, C’s wedding I was painfully reminded of how depression affects your perception of social interaction. At the funeral I felt like there was so much I should have been able to say but couldn’t. I was a stranger among a sea of strangers. At the wedding I felt I had nothing to say. Nothing to say to past friends, nothing to say to my ex and only a few fleeting words to say to the bride and groom. In the end I was glad to have attended both events, but I felt almost eerily disconnected from them. I was tremendously happy for C and her husband even if I couldn’t be happy with them in celebration. Depression takes away so many things from us, anxiety strips away the joy and anticipation about meeting people. Struggling with both to me has become a balancing act. Finding the motivation to push through my anxiety to keep contact with friends and family while tempering it with not being insincere or trying to act purely for the benefit of others. I try to remain honest with my mood and expressions, good or bad. If you find yourself in similar situations remember that while trying is definitely a huge first step, watch for yourself as well. Do not sacrifice your mental health to try and appease anyone else. Friends, true ones, will understand the effort and respect your choices. Should you happen upon this C, thank you for everything.

Even amid my own anxiety and holding back depression I managed to at least find something interesting a mother and her duckling.

From Seasonal to ‘Regular’ Depression

Now depression related humor is always a delicate thing, but it’s often rooted in painful truths. This particular find on Tumblr summed up a very real scenario for a lot of people.

http://slaughterkeys.tumblr.com/image/183585744311 )

With my dysthymia I’ve found that I’m basically as depressed during the winter months as I am in summer months. I suppose in some ways I’ve been the opposite. With colder weather I don’t feel as guilty about staying in and giving myself a few hours more of comforter time.

We always look for what the root causes are for depression. Be it purely external and situational things or internal matters. Sometimes it’s simple, a decrease in Vitamin D, other times it’s far more multilayered (requiring medication). I know it’s easy to get frustrated when your progress stalls in treatment. As we enter into spring, I genuinely hope that for anyone suffering from seasonal affective disorder (SAD)/seasonal depression, you’re finding things lifting. For anyone who is struggling with ‘regular’ depression I hope your treatment course is still consistent and you’re taking the seasonal transition OK. This is where my own triggers tend to come up. For me my divorce took place in April, a time when I think most people are looking forward to warmer weather and color. Happier people around me usually puts me into a state where I want to isolate further. I don’t begrudge others their happiness, instead I get a sense of not fitting in among them. It’s a distorted view, one that I continue to work on and forced myself through in gradual stages.

Whatever form of depression you are dealing with today, keep current on your treatment options. Look for more and more coping tools to try and gauge. Most importantly, I wish you well in your journey.

Getting Past your Past (Ex’s, Social Media)

Anna Akana was one of the first YouTubers that I actually began following when I first had my depression diagnosis. She was very frank and honest about her difference experiences and her advice, almost always punctuated with humor was easy for me to access.

It sounds so easy to simply say “Don’t think about your ex” but in a world of social media that’s actually harder than it is. Anna’s advice is on point here but I thought I’d expand upon it. During the start of my divorce there were certainly those feelings that I wanted to know what was going on as my ex and I were preparing to end our marriage. I realized that just having my social media profile meant having connections to her, the guy she was seeing and our old circle of friends. I had to make the blunt choice to simply get rid of all my social media and change how I used any form of it. Gone were my FB, my Google+ accounts, Twitter and the like. Eventually I found myself with just two main types of social media accounts, a Reddit to read up about subjects I still had an interest in, and Instagram. Unlike my FB days though my IG was private and mostly used to track news, products or things relating to my growing interest in target shooting.

Over time though I realized that creating a more isolated social media presence had also helped me to make the break from my ex-wife. I wasn’t tempted to login to social media and see what was going on. Her life was hers and mine was mine. Rebuilding could go on for both of us and neither of us had any reason to know what was going on in the other’s life. These days while I sometimes miss being ‘in the know’ with some of my friends (hrm maybe friends is a stretch) I find that it’s forced me to do one of the things I hate. I have to actual be social and engage in conversation. It seems silly to think of that as something novel but the reality is I don’t passively observe in people’s lives these days. I have to go out of my way to see how they are. In some cases it’s helpful, there’s a subset of my old circles that genuinely do enjoy telling me about the goings on of their lives. Then again I suspect for some people it’s frustrating that I’m not “aware of what’s going on in XYZ’s life”.

Getting over an ex, be it boyfriend/girlfriend or worse, an ex-spouse takes time. You can go about it in any number of ways but knowing how to avoid the social media trap and letting them have their life is a big first step. If you’re having a hard time with it, considering deactivating your accounts for a short time or learning to filter content to avoid triggering painful memories. You can get through it, it won’t be fun, but it can be made easier.