Been away from the blogsphere for a while, mostly trying to focus on myself and trying to improve my life situation. Of course I’ve still tried to keep up where I can on other depression blogs and news (ugh) where able. One item that I happened to come across hit a bit close to home.
Anna Akana was one of the first YouTubers I watched as I was beginning to wrap my head around depression. Her posts were approachable, tinged with humor and felt like they came from a good place. I had heard similar language from my ex-wife during our vows and I guess the depressed side of me really started to ruminate about the whole thing. I’ve never liked the idea of men today having to live up to a white knight image. I’m flawed in many ways, as anyone is as trying to compare myself to that sort of ideal feels futile and self defeating. While at the time it was a sweet gesture for my then fiance to think of me as a knight, in retrospect I now began wondering if I was in fact just a tinfoil knight. This train of thought got me thinking about role models and how over time I simply stopped believing in them. It isn’t that I don’t think there’s good people out there, but I realize short of some miracle of omniscience, you can never truly know everything about someone. Everything we do is based on perception. Having said that though there’s still people I enjoy hearing good news about.
Case in point, Keanu Reeves.
As someone with an interest in competitive shooting, I was honestly floored to see how much Keanu dedicated himself to the role of John Wick with his martial arts training and what I can only imagines were weeks if not months of intense training with Taran Butler (https://tarantacticalinnovations.com/) I had always read small news bits here and there about some of the tragic history he himself has seen. In comparison I always felt like my challenges were a bit mundane. Through all of it though I saw someone who was a rarity in Hollywood. A person who seemed very much to be grounded and humble and a good person on and off camera. While I have joked on social media that John Wick is my spirit guide, the reality is Keanu himself serves as the better reminder that you can overcome darkness without losing yourself to it.
Role models are a tricky thing. Especially with the way we glorify celebrity. I’d like to think that I take from certain people the best lessons I can. Be it a YouTuber and advocate like Anna Akana, a humble and dedicated action star like Keanu or even just the random people I see committing acts of kindness on the street. I don’t think I’d ever consider myself a role model. That kinda pressure isn’t for me, but perhaps in some small way I’ve at least been a reminder to someone out there that even amid depression and adversity you can try to keep moving forward. So maybe I’m not a knight, tinfoil or otherwise. Maybe in some ways I’m just a fallen paladin. The thing about falling down though? You can get back up and keep moving forward.