Rarely have I picked up my camera in the last two years. To be honest, I’ve probably done more ‘shooting’ at the range than I have behind the lens in the last four years.
The face of depression is something I deal with constantly and it’s often hard to describe to people what it means to live with it day in and day out.
A Night In
I happened upon my reading light and my usual ‘before bed’ get up and thought the angle and framing told the right narrative. A small area of light, surrounded by mostly darkness. A sense of something comfortable yet also an intangible discomfort. Those are some of the themes and senses I get from my depression. Everyone’s depression is different and I hope perhaps someone viewing this may find common ground. Don’t give up, don’t let depression win. Express yourself even if it’s just something simple as a photo before bed.
Depression is approached from a myriad of ways. There’s no real silver bullet in its diagnosis as there are a number of factors at play. Neurological, behavioral, environmental variables are all a part of it.
For me a combination of diet, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and changes in hobbies have helped stem the tide of depression but it’s not the same for everyone. The article above by Johann Hari; an extract from his book Lost Connections: Uncovering The Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutionsl delivers an interesting perspective. The notion that another factor in depression relates to a sense of self worth and how people view their work life or other unfulfilled needs. Personally I would say I have for many years been a workaholic. I enjoyed challenges and the job generally was fulfilling. As the years continued though I know my satisfaction wavered here and there. Eventually I had to depersonalize my job as I felt it was a major factor in my increasing depression. These days, while I still have the same job, I try to frame the challenges within it differently. I don’t treat the ups and downs of my job as a reflection of who I am as a person. While it’s helped, it’s still an ongoing struggle. I enjoy what I do, not always the other conditions around it.
While this is obviously not something necessarily easily changed it provides another angle with which to attack the problem. I’ve always been a proponent that any been of information is ammo in a fight and this is just another resource to be considered.
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen posts regarding the ongoing research being conducted in using magic mushrooms to help treat depression but it’s interesting that it’s been cropping up more and more. Psilocybin as part of a treatment regimen sounds promising, though most studies I’ve read indicate it’s use in Major Depressive Disorder I do wonder how it may be applied to more mild forms of depression.
The main take away I’ve had from a lot of these studies tends to be that we’re still a bit of a ways off on understanding how the diff treatment courses may have to be tailored per patient and what areas of affect actually yield the best return.
For myself I’ve mainly focused on lifestyle change and supplements intended to help with general brain health and serotonin production. While not as intense as a full SSRI treatment I’ve had an easier time with emotional fortitude (for lack of a better term) than I have in the past. It would be my hope that if this treatment course gains traction that it becomes more readily available as something that HMO’s will be more apt to adding to their formularies.
Where does the time go right? It’s just a stones throw away to 2018. Found the above article and gave it a once over. It’s a good read and one that I think some people will benefit from. Rumination is something I’ve struggled with quite a bit and for some of my friends who also suffer from depression and anxiety I know it’s one of those recurrent specters that always lurks around the corner. There are maybe three times a year where I start to slide down that slippery slope and New Years is definitely the most painful.
I’ve generally found that with mental health issues there’s two fundamental approaches that are taken. Some focus on processing through the things that make you fearful, or exposing yourself to them so that you learn to face your aversion. The other is learning to steer clear of those triggers and finding a way to be mindful of it. New Years is one of those times where social interaction and gathering with friends is the norm. I’ve never liked crowds, and especially hate the idea of forced fun. New Years and New Years Eve celebrations have always been something I went to for the sake of others. Fake it till you make it types of moments. In the past, when I was dating or married I’d go along with it as it was my duty as a boyfriend or spouse. These days I don’t try to push myself out there unless I’m comfortable. Now some folks will look at that and just argue that I’m simply letting depression win, that I’m not changing things for the better. On the contrary however, just because I’m not out celebrating doesn’t mean I’m not processing through things. In the past I’d go out, have a few drinks, try to fake a smile and say all the usual platitudes. “Oh it’s an awesome year and I’m so grateful.” Regardless of how I actually felt about the state of things. These days, I stopped trying to put on that face.
The past few years I’ve spent New Years at home, curled up with a book, my journal and my tech. I know that I’m going to reminisce, I know I’ll look back at the things I’ve lost, the person I was and what’s changed. That’s bad though is what you’re thinking right? You’d be half right. I look back, I recognize that things are different, but I also try to look at how I’ve weathered the storm, how I’ve changed little by little. I focus on re-framing my replay of memories and focus on what has changed for the better, or what I know I should focus on for the next year. When you have depression and anxiety getting sucked TOO far into nostalgia is dangerous so I always have to pace myself. I don’t get so engrossed in going backwards that I stop looking ahead. I read through my journal and remember how I got through the rough times. I look at my projects and see that I finished something or I made progress. That keeps me going, that gives me ideas for the next year. I’m not out to be seen, I shun fame and attention. I don’t try to impress folks with my accolades anymore. I just try to see the good things in me that I should continue to nurture or the things I need to try and improve.
If you’re facing that sense of dread as the year winds down I fully understand. It’s easy to start stacking up those memories like dominoes and watching them fall. Re-framing how you view the last year is not trivial, it takes time. If you’re struggling reach out, be heard. Don’t let how everyone else celebrates dictate undue pressure on you. If you want to be around friends, that’s great, find friends you can trust and an activity that works. If you know drinking or other triggers are there, let folks know. The holidays are stressful and sad for a lot of folks but finding a safe way to navigate it pays out in the end.
Today marks world mental health day and I’m glad it’s something being recognized but I hope that glib humor aside people realize what this day should be about, bringing awareness about mental health and being open to seeking help. The theme of this years Mental Health Day is actually mental health in the workplace which for me hits home pretty hard.
Clinical depression and the workplace is a touchy subject, every boss wants a happy team but you don’t always get that. Some industries are more prone to giving rise to depression. The symptoms aren’t always visible and sometimes it impacts the bottom line more than most folks may be aware. So today take a look at your work environment. See if there’s things you can do to foster morale, to help someone seek treatment, or if you feel you may be experiencing issues seek help yourself. Don’t be affraid to investigate your companies policies on things like FMLA, mental health days. Take those breaks, reset but most of all, seek help if you need it.
YouTuber, author Anna Akana had an interesting video post regarding speaking to someone with depression.
The video itself tries to espouse the idea of listening with compassion which at face value seems easy enough to do, but from personal experience I can tell you that it’s a rare thing indeed. There’s a fine line between being able to listen to your friend and relate/connect (especially for those who have never gone through clinical depression) versus just feeling like an enabler or getting inundated with the other persons pain points.
The difficulty that I have with being open about depression, even to folks who were friends got me thinking just what is it that makes the process so much of a painful slog. One of the things I realized is that there are often two competing flows of advice out there which in some ways do a disservice to everyone.
Motivational advice and suggestions for ‘leading a good life’ often talk about ‘dumping the negative people’ in your life. Again, at first blush that makes total sense right? You want to keep a positive attitude, so you surround yourself with positive people… Except what happens when you ARE that negative person? You sort of find yourself an emotional leper on No-Frown island where all the shiny-happy people suddenly can’t connect, can’t engage you and your isolation becomes worse.
People always seem to have the same flip-in-script however when someone suffers from depression and takes things all the way to the most painful recourse of ending their lives. They always ask “I wish they would have talked to me.” I’ve found that sudden “Oh gosh I want the negative people to reach out to me” thing to be the big paradoxical twist to the advice. If you want to live your life by pushing away people who are negative, that’s one thing, but don’t suddenly be surprised when some of those people turn out to not be negative but suffering from depression.
Here’s where that middle ground is just so difficult to come by. You can certainly try to be selective about the people whom you choose to include in your life. Some may indeed be negative in nature, they may have beliefs that conflict, but in the end you have to decide are there enough redeeming things about your friendship/relationship with them that they still have a place. For those people in your life who face the challenge of depression, being that compassionate listener for them isn’t easy, the process is a slippery slope that I don’t really feel anyone has a good answer for. For what it’s worth here’s my take, I have circles of friends that I can, to varying degrees unload onto when my depression gets too high. Some are better than others at being able to process that, objectively say something and refocus the conversation to other things in a tactful way. Others fall into what I call the mono-trap. Which is the one word response to anything I say the ‘hmm’, ‘yeah’, ‘uh huh’ type of situation. It’s mean to think it but I do place my friends into categorical buckets of how much raw unfiltered me I sense they can take. Some I trust enough to tell all the painful parts of what’s swirling around in my head, while others will only get a minimal of who am I before I feel my own toxicity requires me to get some distance.
When you are faced with battling depression, the hardest thing in the world is combating that feeling like nobody wants to talk to you. I prefer to think that depression makes you reassess how you communicate to friends/loved ones and puts a bit more onus on you to decide how to reach out. No one is magically going to know all the right things to say but you can let people in to try and ease the burden. While for some people therapists aren’t helpful, my own experiences have been positive. They offer a sounding board and nudge you in a more productive direction. No therapist is perfect but if you find a good rapport with one keep at it. So many problems are created by imperfect communication but learning to navigate your social circles and knowing when to create space versus when to let folks in is a powerful coping tool that I hope everyone tries to work on.
The news article itself is several days old but I thought it would be good to comment on it. Mental health awareness and access are definitely hot topics as of late. We’ve seen a significant amount of news relating to celebrity suicides, bullying and a general uptick in issues relating to mental health. While I’m glad that Google is trying to do something to raise awareness it’s just sort of the first step in a long process and I worry that some of that message is lost.
The survey itself is not new but it’s been crafted to provide a starting off point to seeking help. Personally I usually approach these types of online surveys with a grain of salt. It’s possible to be very much on the borderline and sometimes the range of answers doesn’t quite capture the experiences for everyone. As daunting as the process is though I do think it’s a good idea to seek out a therapist or psychologist if you suspect you may be on the bubble. I can only hope that the stigma continues to be removed from seeking mental health services and that something is done to make help more accessible.
I came across the above article and it was interesting read, especially given my own perspective that I have been at many varying points a workaholic. Several of the patterns discussed were interesting to me as I’ve often wondered what correlations may existing between people who are driven to push at work or have a tendency to bulldog problems.
The uptick in symptoms in various areas including ADHD, OCD, anxiety and depression were eye opening. I typically split my time working remotely and working onsite with clients and one of the main aspects for me has been an ability to focus without being distracted. My background was initially as a programmer and later as a systems admin/analyst. As a result I’m used to having my head down to solve a problem. It’s possible the same characteristics that make me good at deep dive analysis unfortunately make me susceptible to other conditions such as anxiety and depression.
The mind works in so many different ways that I’d hardly call these findings conclusive but the pattern and potential implications may lead to better ways to head-off dangerous mental illness before it becomes too severe. I know my chosen profession is full of stress, turn over and requires a very distinct mindset to survive. Hopefully as HR and psychological processes improve resources will be available to help folks who may be on the bubble as I was in getting help.
I live in a hurricane zone and that got me thinking about the parallels between depressive episodes and storms. In the case of hurricanes you can see the storm forming sometimes thousands of miles away. It’s a gradual thing that inches closer to you. You can’t stop the hurricane from happening, you can’t get out of the way, you can only brace, prepare and weather the storm.
The one major thing I’ve gradually gained through therapy has been an awareness of my mental and emotional state so that I can feel the onset of an episode. In past blogs I’ve talked about sort of side-stepping, though really it’s more about fortifying and minimize how long the episode keeps you pinned under.
The tools vary by person but my own typical approach has been to blend these main behaviors and elements.
Optimize my diet
When an episode is brewing I try to cut way down on sugars and carbs and focus on vegetables and light, easy to process proteins
Yogurt, overnight oats and ready to go meals so that I don’t start skipping meals and binge eating later
Try to keep even a low-level exercise routine
I’m terrible at this to be honest but I try to keep a little under-desk peddle unit so I have some exercise
Switch off from the news and negative media
Unplugging has often been one of the hardest things to do given my job in IT but less information is sometimes better.
Brace my friends and support structure
This one is weird and hard. I often struggle with telling friends that I feel an episode coming on so my mood, mannerisms and conversation may become more difficult. Most people expect it when something tragic happens, but for clinical depression it doesn’t have to be one specific major event that triggers your episode, getting that across isn’t always easy.
Mind my medications and supplements
This will vary greatly by person, especially if you’re on prescriptions medications for depression or anxiety but falling out of sync with meds or supplements to keep your health up is always rough so better to try to remain consistent.
I wish there were an easy answer out there. I wish that living with depression wasn’t simply about surviving and managing it like some terminal condition. The fact there’s no cookie cutter solution to depression is a constant reminder to me that people are unique and we each have to chart a course through the problems our life has. I don’t have answers for everyone I just know what’s been working for me and hope that in writing it down may help someone else who may have overlooked something or could add to their box of coping tools.
I happened upon this and thought it was pretty timely. One of the difficult aspects of depression is trying to maintain a positive mental attitude and a lot of times there a view of sort of ‘faking it’ until you get better.
I’ve often wondered what kinds of negative implications this may have and one of my views has been that as I started to understand my depression more I stopped trying to put on a smile and accepted my darker emotions and tried to focus on processing through them rather than burying them away. I stopped telling folks “I’m good” when I knew I was having a hard go of things.
The idea really isn’t new, the concept that bottling up your emotions usually only leads to more explosive outbursts later. My father had a temper, and growing up I always worked to keep mine under wraps. Often wonder if that was a disservice to myself. We all manifest emotional stress differently and I think in my case it was a downward spiral into depression which caused me to hurt those close to me.
The important take away I had from the article was the idea that I need to make sure I am finding safe, constructive outlets for the stress and negative emotions I feel. Some of my choices, admittedly, are a bit less safe than others but for myself I’ve always found a degree of danger and adrenaline has seemed to be the only way around my depressive episodes. Be it racing cars, hunting or just shooting at a gun range. Whatever your particular outlet try to make sure it’s a something positive and work your way through the down times. You don’t have to necessarily smile, but you do have to move forward.
