Tag: holidays

Halloween and Dealing With My Depression

Halloween is an interesting holiday that has of course kids who love it for the sweets and adults who revel in being someone else for a day. For me though Halloween is not a time I find happiness in. My ex-wife loved it and for a time I enjoyed it. Following the divorce though I realized how little I actually felt towards the celebration.

I don’t begrudge children their fun, far from it. I think the idea of a fright but feeling safe is an important thing for kids to experience. For me it is the idea of masks that I have an uncomfortable relationship with. Anyone battling depression has probably in some small way felt a bit like going out into the world and being around others we are always wearing a mask. We pretend to be OK, the trick we give everyone is convincing them we aren’t hurting on the inside. May sound a bit dramatic to frame it that way but the reality is I wear a mask every day. I’ve learned to be slightly more open with my depression, I don’t pretend to be happy when asked and I’m probably painfully blunt when I am feeling low. My coping mechanisms may not fit everyone’s norm but I mix my activities (target shooting, baking) with more conventional treatments (CBT, fitness, diet). I continue to fight self-isolation and I try to find my release valves where I can.

It’s definitely easy to fall into negative habits in holidays like this. Isolation, sweets everywhere are a quick escape. While I don’t have as much of a sweet tooth, I do prefer to shy away from crowds and I loathe holiday traffic. Still though I try to reach out to my friends abroad and email my well wishes. I still have friends who enjoy cosplay and of course Halloween is for them a time to show their skills, but I can’t smile with them anymore. I see people in costume and while I may see craftsmanship or creativity, there’s no joy in it for me as a spectator. So here I sit pondering what I will do, what mask do I put on as I try to navigate around crowds of people trying to be whatever their imagination desires? If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety or any form of mental illness, I know it’s hard to know just how to act when for others it’s a time of celebration. Find your own path with it. For me, I may hit the range and wrap my day with a good book or maybe even a simple Halloween movie like  It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

Fourth of July — Some Self-Reflection and Thoughts Going in to 2019

The Fourth of July is an interesting time. In the past I’d spend it at some event with the family looking at fireworks. Being partially color blind though fireworks never really quite held the sway for me as those around me. This year I find myself just around the corner from the 4-0 as well. In some ways parts of my life are better, other ways not so much. Lot of regrets, lots of things I’m still angry about.

With 2019 not that far off I’m trying to focus on the really critical things. Leisure and pleasure are back burnered for a while, trying to key on the things I need for both mental health and physical wellbeing are first and foremost. My circle of friends remains a fairly small, but trusted group.  Work is work I suppose, neither particularly positive and its negatives are about the norm for the last few years.

I hope to cook more balance my diet and activity. I hope to study more to give myself more options going forward. Realizing that I will start to slow down on my ability to keep pace has me reminding myself that I need to find better ways to do all the things I’ve done in the past.

Amid the fireworks and loud noises and the raucous celebrations for our country’s independence, I hope that folks aren’t forgetting to look forward at the things that have yet to be done. Here’s wishing anyone who follows my blog a very Happy Fourth and here’s hoping the later half of 2018 is a good one.

Coping with the New Years and Depression

https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/d343ex/why-is-new-years-eve-so-depressing

Where does the time go right? It’s just a stones throw away to 2018. Found the above article and gave it a once over.  It’s a good read and one that I think some people will benefit from. Rumination is something I’ve struggled with quite a bit and for some of my friends who also suffer from depression and anxiety I know it’s one of those recurrent specters that always lurks around the corner. There are maybe three times a year where I start to slide down that slippery slope and New Years is definitely the most painful.

I’ve generally found that with mental health issues there’s two fundamental approaches that are taken.  Some focus on processing through the things that make you fearful, or exposing yourself to them so that you learn to face your aversion. The other is learning to steer clear of those triggers and finding a way to be mindful of it.  New Years is one of those times where social interaction and gathering with friends is the norm.  I’ve never liked crowds, and especially hate the idea of forced fun. New Years and New Years Eve celebrations have always been something I went to for the sake of others. Fake it till you make it types of moments. In the past, when I was dating or married I’d go along with it as it was my duty as a boyfriend or spouse. These days I don’t try to push myself out there unless I’m comfortable. Now some folks will look at that and just argue that I’m simply letting depression win, that I’m not changing things for the better. On the contrary however, just because I’m not out celebrating doesn’t mean I’m not processing through things. In the past I’d go out, have a few drinks, try to fake a smile and say all the usual platitudes.  “Oh it’s an awesome year and I’m so grateful.” Regardless of how I actually felt about the state of things. These days, I stopped trying to put on that face.

The past few years I’ve spent New Years at home, curled up with a book, my journal and my tech. I know that I’m going to reminisce, I know I’ll look back at the things I’ve lost, the person I was and what’s changed. That’s bad though is what you’re thinking right? You’d be half right. I look back, I recognize that things are different, but I also try to look at how I’ve weathered the storm, how I’ve changed little by little. I focus on re-framing my replay of memories and focus on what has changed for the better, or what I know I should focus on for the next year. When you have depression and anxiety getting sucked TOO far into nostalgia is dangerous so I always have to pace myself. I don’t get so engrossed in going backwards that I stop looking ahead.  I read through my journal and remember how I got through the rough times. I look at my projects and see that I finished something or I made progress. That keeps me going, that gives me ideas for the next year. I’m not out to be seen, I shun fame and attention. I don’t try to impress folks with my accolades anymore. I just try to see the good things in me that I should continue to nurture or the things I need to try and improve.

If you’re facing that sense of dread as the year winds down I fully understand. It’s easy to start stacking up those memories like dominoes and watching them fall. Re-framing how you view the last year is not trivial, it takes time. If you’re struggling reach out, be heard. Don’t let how everyone else celebrates dictate undue pressure on you. If you want to be around friends, that’s great, find friends you can trust and an activity that works. If you know drinking or other triggers are there, let folks know. The holidays are stressful and sad for a lot of folks but finding a safe way to navigate it pays out in the end.

 

Father’s Day and Introspection

Father’s day is coming up later in the month and given the events of the last two years, divorce, depression it’s made me a bit introspective. My own relationship with my father is non-existent and I realize a sizable chunk of that stems from my own childhood experiences with divorce.

Seeing my parents drift apart and eventually divorce was a painful experience in my pre-teens. Sometimes I wondered how much of it was my fault, I wondered how my father felt about the whole process. Having gone through it myself, I have an idea for the challenges he must have had. Mercifully my ex-wife and I didn’t have children. I doubt I’d be writing today if kids were a factor in my divorce. Looking back I realize just how often I questioned my own fitness at the prospect of becoming a parent. I honestly don’t know if that will ever really be the case for me or if maybe I’ll just serve as a cool uncle for the remainder of my days.

Never been one for holidays but this time around Father’s day has weird sting for me. Maybe I’m just over thinking something that may never be or dwelling on things I can’t change. The weight of it still sits with me but I try to focus on the things I can change for now and not the ones that have passed.

We Don’t All Get Happy Endings

Holidays always push my self-reflective side into overdrive. Not necessarily in a good way. Much like Thanksgiving last year, I had to get used to the changes in my life. The end of my marriage, the battle with depression. Shower-thoughts got me thinking about a number of aspects of how we frame life and how much depression causes that to go askew.

We all grow up with stories, fairy tales where the prince finds his princess and they live happily every after. Reality is of course not that plain and simple. Sometimes you find your princess and discover that life is difficult, that happiness isn’t always easy to come by.

The last few days of self reflection have me looking at myself in a most negative light. I sort of feel like I’m not meant to have a happy ending. I’m a background character set to toil and eek out his living. It isn’t rational, I know that but the feeling hangs on me like a dour blanket. I know I have to fight, I know I will lose friends along the way, these are all realities of the changes I’ve been a part of and some I’ve set in motion myself. If you’re in the same situation as I am, know that I understand what you’re going through. Sometimes the fight seems like the last thing you want to do and you just want things to ‘end’, but as long as you’re fighting you’re living.

Holidays and Anhedonia

One of the things I’m really learning is how to cope with the holidays when I feel next to nothing. I wouldn’t even really say that I have the holiday blues, it’s different.  It’s almost the holiday ‘indifference’.

Anhedonia has been a word I have come to loathe. I find small things that still bring me a sliver of feeling but by and large the holidays are numb to me. I don’t have any real sense of wanting to see friends or family. The prospect of a big meal is just sort of there without the fan fare. Wish it were possible to explain what it’s like to feel next to nothing at times like this.

Hopefully making some panna cotta will keep my head in the ‘holiday’ mode but to be honest it’s just another day for me. One I would gladly skip.