Tag: anhedonia

Slow Days of Summer

OK that seems backwards right? Summer is supposed to be an active time but truth be told, for me summer has been a work slog punctuated by the occasional range visit.

I’ve been doubling down on two vastly different coping tools these last few

months. My focus time getting behind my guns at the range practicing and bread making.  These two things have nothing to do with one another but they work for me. Firearms are always a touchy subject and especially with gun violence in the news it sometimes feels like I’m courting controversy on a nearly weekly basis. The gradual improvements and things I can try make it an activity I’m able to sink my teeth into and that is hard to come by with my anhedonia.

With bread making while there’s no controversy there’s certainly carbs. I was actually pleasantly surprised to find out that while the bread can go about three days outside it’ll last another week in the fridge meaning my efforts can hang around a while as a spare snack bread or quick-breakfast option. Anyone struggling with depression can probably attest that making a healthy breakfast in the morning can seem like a monumental task when an episode hits and that’s no different for me.

Several friends announced their engagements and it has at times been a difficult thing to hear. It’s weird knowing that while I am happy for them all, the prospect also gives me pause and at times becomes cringe inducing. It’s been over two years since my divorce and matrimony holds little in the way of appeal. Maybe some day I’ll be ok enough to attend a wedding again, but today is certainly not that day.

While people complain about the heat and make summer plans, I’m mostly looking inward. Another year older, a lot of things to reflect upon and change. I find my blog to be quiet as of late, with no real profound words of wisdom I can share, just the daily struggles and what’s worked and hasn’t. Here’s to hoping that for anyone else struggling this season with depression in any form that there are at least a few days of solace sprinkled amid the rest of the days.

The Difference a Year Makes — Convention Time in Hawaii

There was a time not so long ago that my geek flag would fly true. I’m a sci-fi/comics fan primarily but I also enjoyed anime too. I’d volunteered at the local conventions and helped out as a photographer. It was in fact how I met my future ex wife. Flash forward to today and the idea of going to a convention is the last thing on my mind.

The last few years my fandom had waned considerably as I found myself undiagnosed and going through a depressive episode. My heart wasn’t in anything, photography, comics/sci-fi none of it felt like something I was able to get into heavily. At the time; like anyone would; I attributed it to a basic case of the blues or work stress or just getting older. I ignored the growing symptoms of depression and it cost me dearly. Now a year after my divorce I look back and wonder what changes I could have made but realize that I shouldn’t dwell on those things I can’t change.

Today I look at the fandom and I generally don’t feel like I belong there. Beyond the fact my ex and her boyfriend are part of that community, I myself don’t feel like I have my heart in it. I’ve tried to focus on activities where I still feel a challenge and something that keeps me trying to improve. Marksmanship has been one such activity, perhaps because it blends physical and mental sharpness and there’s a very visceral aspect of shooting that appeals to me. While I sometimes try to revisit sci-fi/comics and anime my interest is definitely tempered. I’ve learned when to disconnect more to focus on my real world and not entertainment. Fighting anhedonia has been one of the weirdest things but I continue to try and find methods to deal with the sense that there’s no “fire” in much of what I do. Certainly is not easy but I’m more acutely aware of when those feelings are running rampant and try to get out of the negative thinking and rumination that goes along with it.

 

 

 

Tax Time and Looking Back

You wouldn’t normally think of tax time as being a big trigger but this year for me at least, it is. It’s been almost a year since my divorce was final and having to see the name of my ex-wife on old-tax records hasn’t been an easy thing to get through.

Wish I could say “I’m doing great” but that would be disingenuous. The reality is “I’m surviving”. For now at least that’s the most important thing I can do. I rarely pick up a camera these days, I’m almost certain I won’t be doing portrait photography for the foreseeable future. Anhedonia and art doesn’t aren’t very conducive to one another.

I’ve focused on trying to find activities that I can still sink my teeth into and those have been admittedly few and far between. My only real hope is that come April the last of the legal and financial matters will be done with and I can focus purely on working on myself and my future. It’s a long road but I’m turning the first major corner I hope.