Tag: youtube

Getting Past your Past (Ex’s, Social Media)

Anna Akana was one of the first YouTubers that I actually began following when I first had my depression diagnosis. She was very frank and honest about her difference experiences and her advice, almost always punctuated with humor was easy for me to access.

It sounds so easy to simply say “Don’t think about your ex” but in a world of social media that’s actually harder than it is. Anna’s advice is on point here but I thought I’d expand upon it. During the start of my divorce there were certainly those feelings that I wanted to know what was going on as my ex and I were preparing to end our marriage. I realized that just having my social media profile meant having connections to her, the guy she was seeing and our old circle of friends. I had to make the blunt choice to simply get rid of all my social media and change how I used any form of it. Gone were my FB, my Google+ accounts, Twitter and the like. Eventually I found myself with just two main types of social media accounts, a Reddit to read up about subjects I still had an interest in, and Instagram. Unlike my FB days though my IG was private and mostly used to track news, products or things relating to my growing interest in target shooting.

Over time though I realized that creating a more isolated social media presence had also helped me to make the break from my ex-wife. I wasn’t tempted to login to social media and see what was going on. Her life was hers and mine was mine. Rebuilding could go on for both of us and neither of us had any reason to know what was going on in the other’s life. These days while I sometimes miss being ‘in the know’ with some of my friends (hrm maybe friends is a stretch) I find that it’s forced me to do one of the things I hate. I have to actual be social and engage in conversation. It seems silly to think of that as something novel but the reality is I don’t passively observe in people’s lives these days. I have to go out of my way to see how they are. In some cases it’s helpful, there’s a subset of my old circles that genuinely do enjoy telling me about the goings on of their lives. Then again I suspect for some people it’s frustrating that I’m not “aware of what’s going on in XYZ’s life”.

Getting over an ex, be it boyfriend/girlfriend or worse, an ex-spouse takes time. You can go about it in any number of ways but knowing how to avoid the social media trap and letting them have their life is a big first step. If you’re having a hard time with it, considering deactivating your accounts for a short time or learning to filter content to avoid triggering painful memories. You can get through it, it won’t be fun, but it can be made easier.

How to Speak to a Depressed Person — And the Dichotomy of Advice

YouTuber, author Anna Akana had an interesting video post regarding speaking to someone with depression.

The video itself tries to espouse the idea of listening with compassion which at face value seems easy enough to do, but from personal experience I can tell you that it’s a rare thing indeed. There’s a fine line between being able to listen to your friend and relate/connect (especially for those who have never gone through clinical depression) versus just feeling like an enabler or getting inundated with the other persons pain points.

The difficulty that I have with being open about depression, even to folks who were friends got me thinking just what is it that makes the process so much of a painful slog. One of the things I realized is that there are often two competing flows of advice out there which in some ways do a disservice to everyone.

Motivational advice and suggestions for ‘leading a good life’ often talk about ‘dumping the negative people’ in your life. Again, at first blush that makes total sense right? You want to keep a positive attitude, so you surround yourself with positive people… Except what happens when you ARE that negative person? You sort of find yourself an emotional leper on No-Frown island where all the shiny-happy people suddenly can’t connect, can’t engage you and your isolation becomes worse.

People always seem to have the same flip-in-script however when someone suffers from depression and takes things all the way to the most painful recourse of ending their lives. They always ask “I wish they would have talked to me.” I’ve found that sudden “Oh gosh I want the negative people to reach out to me” thing to be the big paradoxical twist to the advice. If you want to live your life by pushing away people who are negative, that’s one thing, but don’t suddenly be surprised when some of those people turn out to not be negative but suffering from depression.

Here’s where that middle ground is just so difficult to come by. You can certainly try to be selective about the people whom you choose to include in your life. Some may indeed be negative in nature, they may have beliefs that conflict, but in the end you have to decide are there enough redeeming things about your friendship/relationship with them that they still have a place.  For those people in your life who face the challenge of depression, being that compassionate listener for them isn’t easy, the process is a slippery slope that I don’t really feel anyone has a good answer for. For what it’s worth here’s my take, I have circles of friends that I can, to varying degrees unload onto when my depression gets too high. Some are better than others at being able to process that, objectively say something and refocus the conversation to other things in a tactful way. Others fall into what I call the mono-trap. Which is the one word response to anything I say the ‘hmm’, ‘yeah’, ‘uh huh’ type of situation. It’s mean to think it but I do place my friends into categorical buckets of how much raw unfiltered me I sense they can take. Some I trust enough to tell all the painful parts of what’s swirling around in my head, while others will only get a minimal of who am I before I feel my own toxicity requires me to get some distance.

When you are faced with battling depression, the hardest thing in the world is combating that feeling like nobody wants to talk to you. I prefer to think that depression makes you reassess how you communicate to friends/loved ones and puts a bit more onus on you to decide how to reach out. No one is magically going to know all the right things to say but you can let people in to try and ease the burden. While for some people therapists aren’t helpful, my own experiences have been positive. They offer a sounding board and nudge you in a more productive direction. No therapist is perfect but if you find a good rapport with one keep at it. So many problems are created by imperfect communication but learning to navigate your social circles and knowing when to create space versus when to let folks in is a powerful coping tool that I hope everyone tries to work on.

 

Unsocial Media — Spoken Word “Look Up” by Gary Turk

Have a quick view of this YouTube spoken word piece by Gary Turk.
This actually came up during a session with my therapist but I think the message is a sobering one.  If you are sensitive to pieces about depression please take appropriate measures before viewing this clip.

I commented yesterday about social media being a double edged sword but I feel like this piece speaks well to the changes that ‘social’ media brought about to people actually being social. I am more guilty of this than I’d want to admit, it affected my family, my spouse and a good chunk of my friends. When I disconnected from the social media word I realize I’d be isolating myself but at the same time I made interaction more real when I did engage. As much as technology is a part of my life, do try to let go of it now and then.  Food for thought.