cooking – Vraxx — The Long Road

Stepping Outside of Your Comfort Zone – Trying New Things

Depression does a number of things to your sense of enjoyment and twists how you experience day to day challenges. At the darkest point of my last depressive episode anhedonia turned everything I used to enjoy into bland, seemingly meaningless activities. CBT/Talk Therapy helped me push through and being able to provide feedback to my therapist gave me a clearer picture of the things that began working and the things that weren’t. In the last year or so I’ve tried to do things that were related to my past interest but not quite.

I’ll preface here that as a hunter/target shooter what follows may or may not trigger negative reactions to some, so please if you are sensitive about firearms you can stop here. If not please continue scrolling down.

Before my divorce I thought my passion lay in photography but eventually I felt like I was hitting several artistic walls and I stopped feeling like I was really gaining anything. Social media made it much worse as there was always this weird sense that I needed to appease some stupid FB doctrine of likes. Following my divorce I realized anhedonia was perhaps the biggest symptom of my depression. Nothing I did felt fulfilling. All the old activities I did were bland and in some cases painful as they triggered me to remember my married years. My ex-wife was not a fan of firearms. She tolerated them for my sake I think but I don’t think she really enjoyed that I had an interest. Free from those concerns as I improved through therapy I looked to take up my side arms again.

The occasional weekend at the range turned into real drilling at the range. Cleaning and getting out there to shoot became one of the few times I could do something and be totally focused. A year and half later after ‘getting back’ on the range, I find myself helping friends to rekindle their interest and me looking to improve enough to shoot in an amateur league. Two sessions down and I’m feeling great that while each league night poses some challenges and I’m certainly testing myself in skills I’ve never used, I am learning a lot. That in itself is a big win in my book.

By contrast my other exploration outside of my comfort zone will seem like a complete homebody. Bread. Baking was never my thing in my teens or as a young adult. When I was married my wife was the predominant baker in the household. It was something that in some ways seemed to be too involved for me (stand mixers, yeast, proofing) but I found it to be so far off from my normal types of cooking that everything was interesting. Every little bit of knowledge became novel and a potential thing I could grow from.

Working through depression is never easy and I find myself certainly walking a fine line with my choice of coping tools. Everyone has to find their own path, their own means to staving off the depression in a constructive, healthy manner. While my ‘bullets and bread’ approach won’t apply to everyone, I hope it gives you pause to think about something you might consider trying that’s just outside of your comfort zone.

Bullets and Bread – My Unorthodox Approach To My Mental Health

Dysthymia is a weird beast. In most ways it allows me to function seemingly unaffected by the pull of depression. For most folks I think describing dysthymia as chronic depressive disorder or even high functioning depression gives a better idea of what it does. For me the daily grind is just background noise these days. I rarely feel ‘good’ about the coming days but I don’t necessarily experience the anxiety or dread I did during the lowest point of my depression. CBT, diet shift, increases in activity have helped to bolster me against its effects but obviously it’s an ongoing lifestyle change.

Some of my self-care approaches and coping tools will seem very odd. Most probably won’t work for others but I thought I’d outline them here. I’ve always enjoyed being a target shooter, there’s something about the focus that really works for me. I’m able to get out of my emotions, pull away from the looped thoughts and just focus on the activity at hand. That might not sound like much to some, but getting out of a state of rumination is extremely difficult for me at times. There’s also the old saying that there is no such thing as a bad day at the range. I also enjoy trying my hand here and there at cooking. Asian, French, Italian and casual American cuisine have all been things I’ve enjoyed making, be it traditional recipes or trying things with a tech slant like sous vide cooking. Being able to have a tangible product at the end of the process is something I still find very fulfilling. The one thing I had never tried however, was baking.

Baking was always my ex-wife’s thing. She enjoyed making desserts and sweets for friends. While I enjoyed the occasional sweet, I was usually more of a savory type of eater. Recently as stress increases at work were weighting on me, I decided to just try blending two things and seeing if the double-dose would help. So here I was on two extremes of my hobbies. In the early morning I readied my guns, cleaned prepped and packed up. Downing some coffee and a quick breakfast I headed out for some time at the range. My usual target practice concluded, I came home, hopped in the shower and immediately after I dried off, began my trial by fire in baking.

Bread always seemed like a mystery to me. I had tried here and there to use simple batters in things like brownies or cakes but dealing with a yeasted bread was a whole new thing for me. I decided to try out a Hokkaido bread, which seemed easy enough as it didn’t require a lot of intricate activation of the yeast. So here I was, stand mixer, whisks and flour replacing my pistol, protective gear and gunpowder. I found myself second guessing a lot, which I suppose is to be expected. Did I reduce the starter down enough? Did I over-knead the dough? In the end, after allowing the dough to proof and then the oddly satisfying cutting and portioning out of the dough, I slapped everything into the oven and waited… and waited. Patience has never particularly been one of my strengths but I hoped I hadn’t fouled up anything. The timer finally went off, I opened up the oven and hey… it looked like bread. Waiting to have that little mound of dough cool was probably the most frustrating thing as I could smell the results… which seemed right, but the final test would be tearing into the rolls and seeing if the texture worked.

To my relief it was actually good! Soft, fluffy and not too-sweet. I had the chance to share my creation with my mother (who is herself an excellent cook) and I was pleasantly surprise that even she approved of my end product. We got to talking about it, things I could try the ‘next time’ I made a loaf.

So here I was, morning to early evening, having gone from bullets to bread. Tired but satisfied and unlike my ‘range days’ where all I had to show were targets with gaping holes, here I had something that you could touch, smell and best of all eat. Everyone’s treatment course for their depression is bound to be unique. For some folks that means a mix of psychotherapy, medication and a mixture of lifestyle changes. For me, it’s been about retraining my thoughts, feeding my body things I was probably neglecting and working through my stressors in ways that were ‘me’ and not destructive. If you’ve followed along with my blog or are finding me for the first time I hope you are able to find your ‘Bullets and Bread’ activity that helps you best.

Depression, Nutrition and Shortcuts to Taking Care of Your Dietary Needs

The process of my last major depressive episode involved me dropping weight at a very unhealthy pace (then conversely gaining it all back at an equally unhealthy pace). The reality was I stopped taking care of myself and the biggest and fastest slide was in my diet. I rarely ate and when I did it was often food that wasn’t particularly good for me. In the end it made an already bad problem that much worse and harder to get out of.

I still battle with depression daily but I try to make a few shortcut choices in cooking to help with the days where motivation is a chore. While it sounds fancy, sous vide cooking is nothing more than a water-bath slow cooking method to keep your food at an exact temperature for as long as needed. This means that you can get very accurately cooked steak or very tender pork as an example. I personally use an Anova 800W sous vide to make steak, chicken and pork dishes. Quickly cooling and freezing some of the meals means you can warm up the item and it will have already been ‘pre cooked’. As an example, below is a basic use for chicken breasts.

Cook Once, Eat Five Times: Five Easy Sous Vide Chicken Breast Recipes

When I’m feeling like rewarding myself, I personally prefer steaks. The upshot to using a sous vide however is that while the steak can be cooked to just the right doneness there’s another benefit, being able to use cheaper cuts of meat. You don’t need to splurge for the full rib eye, a flank steak done right can be almost as tender. Buy a few thick steaks from your local Costcos or Sam Club and the price comes down even further.

Besides protein, I try to find vegetable dishes to cook that can last. One of the easiest dishes to pair with any kind of protein is ratatouille. Sure ok if you watched the Disney animated movie you might think “but that’s too fancy”. You don’t need to be as fancy. Ratatouille is fundamentally a ‘poor mans vegetable stew’.

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/ratatouille-12164

So why put all that effort up front? Ratatouille goes well with a lot of meats and keeps for several days in the fridge. Make a large batch and you don’t have to worry about thinking “what’s for veggies” at the end of the day.

The weekend’s are always hard but if you’re able to get yourself motivated to cook at least once in the week, it will help you for the remainder of the work week when things may be even harder. It sounds like a massive hurdle and I admit it isn’t easy, but eating fast food constantly or dosing up on canned, instant meals high in sodium and low in other essential vitamins doesn’t help you body. We often think of depression as being strictly ‘mental’ but part of that is still tied to our overall health. Autoimmune system, vitamin and mineral levels all contribute to neuroplasticity. While they aren’t a total cure all, they can help you get out of the low-points a bit easier. It’s the same logic as engaging in exercise to improve your health. Personally I find getting out and working out harder than cooking a healthy meal. Depression takes many tools to deal with it, but finding efficient ways of going about it can help.

Food Tips for Those Struggling with Depression — Overnight Oats

I’ll be totally candid, while I can cook and it’s a source of fun for me, the reality is I am TERRIBLE at breakfast. Not that I can’t make things for breakfast, rather I am very bad about consistently getting up and finding the motivation to actually make something.

If you’re like me, depression often zaps my motivation from the moment I wake up. While I’ve taken to things like pour-over coffee as a routine to help jump start me, I have neglected the whole ‘start the day with a good breakfast’. To help address that I’ve taken to trying out ‘overnight oats’. The idea sounds weird I admit.

http://wholefully.com/2016/03/07/8-classic-overnight-oats-recipes-you-should-try/

At its core overnight oats are a mix of old fashioned steel cut oats, chia seeds, flax and other fruits that you place in a jar, add milk and allow to sit overnight. In the morning you no longer have to drag yourself through the kitchen trying to make a hot meal, you unscrew that lid and nom away.

I’ve tried a few variations of the above linked recipes and they aren’t bad. Might not be something you want to do EVERY night (cause let’s be honest oatmeal every morning gets tiring) but it’s a nice alternative. I’m hoping that between this and homemade yogurt I’ll be able to at least keep up the gut-health and conversely that helps stave off the pounds and improves mood regulation.

If you’ve had difficulties in caring for yourself in the morning I encourage you to look into this as an alternative to other fast food or grab and go breakfast options.

Projects and New Years Goals 2017

This past year isn’t one that I’d want to really remember. My divorce was finalized, I had to face the reality of my battle withe depression. Friends were let go, some chose to leave. Over time I know I have to try to rebuild. Investing in the ‘adult’ things that are needed has always been a tricky thing to me.

As 2016 closed I found myself buying some furniture to really redo the bedroom I currently have. It was a bit weird, the last time I really had to factor in furniture I was moving in with my new wife.

To keep myself busy over the New Years weekend I decided to try my hand at a memphis dry rub rib. As I live in a condo however there was an obvious wrinkle… no smoker.

The answer instead was to cook the ribs sous vide.

Split-rack of ribs in sous vide bathTwelve hours in the water bath helped to keep the meat soft and moist and a 40 minute finish in the oven lead to the end product.

In the end the particular recipe that was used was a bit overly dry and admittedly I think the ribs would have retained more moisture with a good quality brine before seasoning and sealing the bag.

Still though, giving an option to cooking ribs indoors w/o the need for a smoker was handy. The project kept me from dwelling on the past year and focused on a task with a viable pay off (om nom nom).

Cooking has been one of the few stress relief options I’ve had and trying to cook somewhat healthier has provided a challenge. I hope that I am able to continue my culinary therapy along with my other courses of action to help find a balance between moving forward and addressing my depression.

Close Friends and Coffee

My circle of friends shrank exponentially following my divorce and depression diagnosis. A good portion of it was a direct decision by me to cut ties where I felt the conflict of friendships was too high. I’m sure some felt this was just me giving up, but sometimes you have to come to a decision to take yourself out of a situation where your mental health comes at the cost of trying to act like nothing has changed.

Having said that, I still maintain a small group of friends that I still interact with, some local, some from far away (ish). I’ve never really been a social butterfly, I’ve always felt that it wasn’t the proximity of your friends or how many of them you had, it’s the closeness of them that counted the most. I would gladly rather have ten tried and true friends than a hundred trivial ones.

One of my friends, I’ll call her M, was kind enough of to send me a care package.

The manual labor of doing a pour-over (or hand-pour) coffee has been a coping tool for me. It’s that kick start of physical activity to get my blood moving and to get my mind focusing on something other than nightmares or depressive thoughts. I grind my coffee by hand so it’s a whole experience. Gone are the days of a push button Keurig for me. Call it coffee snobbery if you want, for me it’s a way of getting active, even if only in a small measure. What’s nice though is that I found ways to gradually expand from my coffee habit to things like making desserts (Coffee Panna Cotta — Dwallops of Happy Panna Cotta)

If you’re faced with the same challenges as I’ve been. Try to find something even if it’s small. Every little bit helps if it gets you up and moving. It’s painful and easy to get trapped by depression and the physical ‘drag’ that entails. Small things can help in the long term, even if they don’t seem like it at first.

Pancakes for One

I woke up on Labor day with no sense of wanting to do anything. I had next to no motivation, no desire to get out there and experience a ‘holiday’. People smiling, the muggy weather, none of it made me feel particularly like going out. So I found myself doing something I haven’t done in a while, making a breakfast for one. Usually my breakfast is pretty plain, some yogurt, maybe warming a left over or two. I rarely have motivation for much else.

I used to enjoy cooking for my ex-wife and her father. It made me feel like I had a place in their home. These days home seems like a weird thing for me to say. I don’t really feel like I’m home here either in my condo. There was a time I would cook to relieve stress, to eat with a purpose, now though it’s just for the sake of not eating badly. I hope that in the future I can find that fire again and want to cook for the joy of cooking but until then, it’s just pancakes for one.

The Foods of Depression

OK this will be a bit of an off the wall post stemming from a few random conversations I saw on reddit/r/depression. For folks who have never experienced clinical depression it might be hard to imagine the severity of motivation loss. Someone raised the question, what foods do you try to cook when you literally don’t even want to crawl out of bed. This got me thinking since cooking is one of the other coping tools I’ve used to try to keep myself active.

So in no particular order here were some of the foods I realized I cooked often when I experienced the most severe episodes of depression.

Pancakes w/fruit — Usually blueberries or bananas. Probably as it’s a comfort food, and easy to make. Go easy on the syrup and other heavy sugars and it’s not terrible to make this while depressed.

Somen/Cold Saimin — Sitting around waiting for something to boil or warm up becomes a chore in itself so I often cooked cold, almost ready to serve dishes. Boil noodles ahead of time, chop your ingredients and lunch/dinner becomes less daunting a task.

Spaghetti — This one is a bit of a mixed bag. The actual process of making it can be involved (semi home made pasta sauce etc) but using a food sealer to create ready to boil servings of pasta and some pre-cooked noodles cuts down on the dinner time waiting and it’s a fun comfort food.

Cucumbers/Carrots/Beets/Lettuce — Always on hand. I’ll be open and admit that when my depression is at its worst I have a really hard time eating veggies and fruits so I’ve always tried to keep vegetables that I can eat raw or throw into a quick salad. Keep one or two good dressings and it gets a little easier to deal with meal time and healthy eating.

Bad things I still wound up eating, things I’d avoid however, heavy sugars, baked goods, things with a lot of sodium. It’s really easy to start drowning yourself in sugary things and canned foods but with my hypertension it’s something I had to really be aware of. A lot of those things gave me headaches or kept me up at night.