Depression – Page 6 – Vraxx

The Difference a Year Makes — Convention Time in Hawaii

There was a time not so long ago that my geek flag would fly true. I’m a sci-fi/comics fan primarily but I also enjoyed anime too. I’d volunteered at the local conventions and helped out as a photographer. It was in fact how I met my future ex wife. Flash forward to today and the idea of going to a convention is the last thing on my mind.

The last few years my fandom had waned considerably as I found myself undiagnosed and going through a depressive episode. My heart wasn’t in anything, photography, comics/sci-fi none of it felt like something I was able to get into heavily. At the time; like anyone would; I attributed it to a basic case of the blues or work stress or just getting older. I ignored the growing symptoms of depression and it cost me dearly. Now a year after my divorce I look back and wonder what changes I could have made but realize that I shouldn’t dwell on those things I can’t change.

Today I look at the fandom and I generally don’t feel like I belong there. Beyond the fact my ex and her boyfriend are part of that community, I myself don’t feel like I have my heart in it. I’ve tried to focus on activities where I still feel a challenge and something that keeps me trying to improve. Marksmanship has been one such activity, perhaps because it blends physical and mental sharpness and there’s a very visceral aspect of shooting that appeals to me. While I sometimes try to revisit sci-fi/comics and anime my interest is definitely tempered. I’ve learned when to disconnect more to focus on my real world and not entertainment. Fighting anhedonia has been one of the weirdest things but I continue to try and find methods to deal with the sense that there’s no “fire” in much of what I do. Certainly is not easy but I’m more acutely aware of when those feelings are running rampant and try to get out of the negative thinking and rumination that goes along with it.

Tax Time and Looking Back

You wouldn’t normally think of tax time as being a big trigger but this year for me at least, it is. It’s been almost a year since my divorce was final and having to see the name of my ex-wife on old-tax records hasn’t been an easy thing to get through.

Wish I could say “I’m doing great” but that would be disingenuous. The reality is “I’m surviving”. For now at least that’s the most important thing I can do. I rarely pick up a camera these days, I’m almost certain I won’t be doing portrait photography for the foreseeable future. Anhedonia and art doesn’t aren’t very conducive to one another.

I’ve focused on trying to find activities that I can still sink my teeth into and those have been admittedly few and far between. My only real hope is that come April the last of the legal and financial matters will be done with and I can focus purely on working on myself and my future. It’s a long road but I’m turning the first major corner I hope.

The Least Fun Anniversary

There’s some anniversaries you look forward to, then there are those you dread. Next month will make a full year since my divorce was finalized. To say I was in a low place during the process would be an understatement and while I’m not out of the woods by any stretch I think I’m better prepared to deal with the things that need to happen to get better these days.

The last few days I felt the onset of a depressive episode forming and tried to cut it off at the pass so to speak. I dropped my sugar and red meat intake, I began eating more oatmeal and fruit. In a previous post I likened depression to seeing an oncoming train. The metaphor has a bit of another layer that I thought about recently. While you might be able to side-step the tracks, there’s still the force of the train going past (wind, noise etc) that you still have to deal with. The same can be said (at least for me) to what happens when an episode hits. I may not be able to avoid all the affects but I’m able to keep myself from sinking too far and lessening the symptoms.

During a conversation with a friend we discussed the somewhat rough feeling of the extra burden of knowing when an episode is coming and the cognitive processes and work effort to not let it harm you. While most folks only periodically need to reflect as much, those of us prone to depression/anxiety are on almost constant watch. There’s a mental drain that comes from that vigilance that I’m still trying to reconcile.

Be it S.A.D. or other things that are triggering an episode for you, don’t lose heart, don’t give in. Every bit of fighting it helps.

Physical Signs of a Depressive Episode

In one of my last posts I mentioned feeling the physical onset of a depressive episode and how I’ve tried to stem the tide when that happens. Diet has helped considerably (less sugars, more vegetables and yogurt/oatmeal). Exercise has been a bit harder to come by as it’s been stormy these last few days.

The most difficult part of trying to counteract the early onset of an episode is that you literally want to do exactly the opposite of what your body is telling you. Fighting insomnia for days on end, having nightmares every night, I feel the urge to sleep longer and longer to make up for lost sleep. That doesn’t really fix the problem though, and has it’s own host of side effects.

Several stress factors have weighed on me heavily. April will mark one year since my divorce and while some things have improved for me through therapy the road ahead is still a long one. There are still a few legal matters to tend to which I am worried about, most of which I can’t change at all. Work stress is always there, that’s perhaps the one constant. Fighting to keep my health level from back-sliding and feeling unhappy with my stalling progress. Rationally I understand that I have to find ways to work through each of them in my own way but emotionally the pressures and strain take their toll on a daily basis.

I’ve taken to target shooting more as the focus allows me to step out of my own mind for a bit and focus on the task at hand. Some of it is muscle memory and regimented discipline as safety while at the range is paramount to me. There’s still also a sense of fun that helps me unwind. It isn’t a hobby I’d recommend for everyone struggling with depression or other forms of mental health, but find that thing which let’s you step away from the negative things affecting you when you can.

Mindfulness, Dysthymia and Pre-emptive Steps against Depression

One of the most difficult things I’ve experienced since my diagnosis has been the need to be very emotionally aware of myself. The idea of mindfulness isn’t new for me, I had gone through a few meditation courses in college to help with stress and focus. Some folks will reference therapy approaches that are labelled as MBCT (Mindful Based Cognitive Therapy) which to me is just an application of mindful observation paired with traditional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

The best metaphor I could come up with is thinking of depression as an approaching train on the tracks. There’s the subtle clues that we sometimes miss that a depressive episode is starting to form. The negative thinking, the physical manifestations (insomnia, focus issue), all the usual symptoms associated with persistent or major depressive disorder. Rather than be overwhelmed when it hits at full strength, you can find way to side step and take actions to reduce the impact.

A few of the tools I’ve taken to using. Journals and tracking tools such as Pacifica (thinkpacifica.com) help to monitor general mood trends, sleep patterns, healthy activity. Paired with things like a FitBit fitness tracker I’ve found that when a major depressive episode seems like it’s approaching I can try to focus on improving my sleep patterns (reducing caffeine, using melatonin), exercising more and making adjustments to my diet. Increasing the amount I walk/hike has helped and often when I feel an episode I’ll work to reduce my intake of red meat and try to go for vegetables and fruit as well as yogurt and healthier grains (Overnight Oats is a handy option). These tools aren’t meant to replace your usual mental health provider or base meds if you are on them, but they do help to make the emotional shift more bearable.

Depression — Loss of Identity

Perhaps the hardest thing I’ve had to adjust to in my depression has been the sensation of a loss of identity. There’s several articles that you can browse online on the subject but the core of it is that as depression affects you your sense of self disappears.

http://bit.ly/1Q0knK9

It was something that my ex-wife vocalized; painfully so; that she was shocked at how I could be in my 30’s and not know who I was. It’s difficult for folks who haven’t experienced a serious degree of depression or felt their identity become dependent upon someone else. For me I used to define myself by my interests, my skills, my own sense of right/wrong. Over time through my marriage as depression weighed on me more, I lost a lot of the fire I had in the things that made me, me.

Recovering has been a slow process, not an easy one by any stretch. Waking every morning and looking in the mirror trying to understand the person looking back at you can be unsettling. In some ways I’ve felt like I’ve regressed to the person I was in my college days. A man alone, vulnerable, angry and full of negative emotions. I’ve taken to activities that I can still sink my teeth into but I’ve had to give up those things which remind me of my married life. Instead of art, I’ve gone from shooting things with a camera to shooting at a gun range. The focus and discipline of shooting (an activity I enjoyed in my youth) has helped me block out negativity and since I’m able to see gradual improvement gives me something to strive for.

Everyone’s path to finding themselves is different, there’s no one-size-fits all answer. I wish there were, it would make the process so much more linear but it isn’t. Each day all I can hope is that I find a little bit more of myself and maybe then I can look back on these less happy moments as stepping stones.

Depression and Helping Your Partner Cope

https://www.ualberta.ca/news-and-events/newsarticles/2017/february/want-to-help-your-partner-deal-with-depression-try-a-little-tenderness

I happened upon this article and thought it was a good suggestion right around Valentine’s Day. A painful aspect of depression stems from the tendency towards doing the opposite of what reflex would tell you to do.

For me I realize when my depression continued to escalate I became harder and harder to live with. The best comparison is being a porcupine. The last thing you want to do is keep that close to you or cuddle it. To both those around the person experiencing depression as well as the person him/herself, instinct gravitates towards the opposite of what should be done. Tenderness is not the first reflex when someone is starting to withdraw or became more irritable than normal.

The most difficult thing about the experience (from the perspective of the depressed person) is that you can’t step out of your own mind and objectively assess what’s happening. You feel as though you want to withdraw from social situations and not seek help.

If you or your significant other are experiencing these types of things, try to take that big leap and objectively look at your circumstances. Reach out, communicate to someone of your pain. It’s the hardest first step, sometimes it can lead to empathy, sometimes confusion, potentially rejection but you have to take it.

The Difficulty of Valentine’s as a Divorcee

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and for me it will be a doubly difficult time. Besides being the second Valentine’s since my marriage ended, I recently lost an aunt to cancer. A lot things as a result have weighed on my mind.

Being single and without someone is hard enough on Valentine’s Day for anyone, for me it’s a painful shot back to a different time of my life. I’ve tried my best to keep busy, reading, the gun range, anything to keep myself engaged in other matters. In many ways I suppose I gravitated immediately towards anti-Valentine’s things such as catching a very non-romantic movie (John Wick 2), reading various sci-fi novels such as Leviathan Wakes (The Expanse) and Netflix binge watching with shows I hadn’t considered before such as Canadian mystery/drama series Murdoch Mysteries.

http://www.refinery29.com/2017/02/139949/single-on-valentines-day-depression

A lot has been written upon the subject and admittedly most of the suggestions tend towards treating the day as just any other and letting it go past. My first Valentine’s post-marriage occurred in the midst of my divorce. She had moved on and was with someone, making the whole prospect of Valentine’s day that much more unpleasant for me. I buried myself in work and the tasks I needed to address. This time around work isn’t the best option in terms of distraction and so I endeavor to find other releases. Each person has to find something to anchor themselves with. The one thing I can speak upon is that the activity should be something beneficial and not something of a more vice like nature (no drinking to excess etc).

If you find yourself having a difficult time, speak to your health care provider or mental health professional, find something that can engage you and remember to care about yourself as best you can. Hang in there and remember it is a day, one that will pass in due course.

Article – Break Up Pain Felt Differently By Men/Women

http://bigthink.com/ideafeed/breaking-up-feels-different-for-men-and-women

I happened upon this article and thought it an interesting read. For myself breakups have always been pretty painful and lingering in nature. Most of my relationships have always been for longer than a year, even just dating. I can attest that be it an issue with putting aside emotional pain or similar, that some of the points of the article may have some merit.

My divorce has definitely hit me unlike anything else, it finds ways to creep into my consciousness more often than any relationship in the past. As noted in the article, sometimes the end of a relationship stews in men. Unhealthy as it may be, I sometimes wonder if it’s due in part to how critical repetition is with men and learning things.

The article gave me pause to think of my own coping tools and the ways that I’ve tried to put the failure of my marriage behind me. Moving forward, particularly while battling back depression has often felt like the emotional equivalent of a mud bog. You charge through but sometimes you get stuck and it takes a while to extricate yourself from the muck.

It was a sobering reminder that recovery can be a drawn out process and that there aren’t really shortcuts. So hang in there if you’re working your way from the fallout of a breakup or divorce.

Finding that Delicate Balance

While most folks spent the weekend enjoying the Superbowl and cheering for the Patriots (or the Falcons) I found myself tucked away in a gun range.

Living with depression and being a firearms owner is not an easy thing. I keep my ammunition and weapons separated at all times. I take stock of my emotional state on a daily basis. My trips to the range are one of the few times I am able to focus and key in on a single point without distraction. Between the eyes and ear protection and a singular target it’s a relaxing thing for me. My interest in firearms, marksmanship and hunting provide an usual foil to my anxiety and depression. While they provide an activity that I can do alone, I must always be vigilant. Firearms and depression rarely mix well but it is possible to find a balance, delicate as it is.

I do feel that folks who may suffer from major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder, the idea of firearms is something that must be weighed greatly. When my divorce began I realized the threat of firearms in my immediate vicinity was too great and I turned my weapons over to trusted family friends. It wasn’t until I was comfortable with the thought of having them near me again that I retrieved my weapons.

If you suffer from depression please by all means take measures to insure that you minimize your risk. Turn your weapons over as needed, keep your firearms unloaded, do what needs to be done to prevent self-harm.