Depression – Page 7 – Vraxx

The Double Edged Sword of Routine — Marking the 101th Post

There’s a certain double edged sword in the formation of habits. With depression/anxiety you need a certain degree of habits to keep you going. At the same time however some habits become too much of a safety zone. I’m certainly not immune to them but here’s what’s worked and what hasn’t worked for me.

Grooming Habits — In an effort to be more eco-friendly I switched away from my classic Gillette Mach 5’s and went old school. I opted to use the classic safety razor process. During the most severe point of major depression amid my divorce I found the process of cleaning my razor equipment, having to manually whip up my shaving soap and the actual attention needed during a shave, helped me focus on keeping up my appearances. It’s a small thing but it did help me cope.

Eating Habits — This one isn’t always a good thing. I’ve tried to focus on healthier eating (less fried foods, home made natural yogurt, sous vide cooking) but while the intent was well meaning it had an unforeseen side effect. I started to go out less and simply would always eat something I made. This cut down on my desire to go out considerably. In some sense it was the most double edged coping tool. While I’ve ceased binge eating and eating things that are too high in sugars or fat I have had to find a way to balance that with my lack of interaction/socialization.

After Work Habits — Probably the weakest of my habits. I haven’t gotten into exercise as I should. Knee injuries, a bad back sort of make fitness the last thing I want to do. I am trying to find ways to get myself motivated more to get out and about but it may be the most difficult coping tool (despite it really being one of the more effective ones).

The biggest thing with any habit, you have to decide, focus and make it something you can turn into a routine without becoming a rut. Know when to break from them and mix it up. I’m still working weekly to find activities that are positive that I can sink my teeth into but it can be a difficult endeavor so don’t get frustrated if it doesn’t come easily or all at once.

When Is A Vacation Not A Vacation?

Something I’ve realized, when you have dysthymia or any form of depression, the idea of a vacation feels odd. It might seen strange to think that a vacation wouldn’t be enjoyable but in my case it’s nothing more than day that I don’t deal with ‘work work’. The rub is you never get to take a vacation from your depression.

For me I was required to take this time off from work, but most of the time I’ve spent thus far has been strictly focused on cleaning out my bedroom in preparation for new furniture to replace my aging and moisture warped old furniture.

I hope that once the bulk of my cleanup is done I will find the motivation to venture out, maybe get some coffee or something similar. It must seem odd to folks to think that ‘free time’ isn’t viewed as something amazing and cherished. I am often reminded of the phrase “Same shit, different day”. Particularly because I live in Hawaii, a place that most folks think of as a getaway location.

The value of a vacation takes on less meaning when the thing which drains you most, that consumes your energy isn’t something that freedom from work grants you. Still though, time in itself is an opportunity, it’s just difficult to achieve it sometimes.

Food Tips for Those Struggling with Depression — Overnight Oats

I’ll be totally candid, while I can cook and it’s a source of fun for me, the reality is I am TERRIBLE at breakfast. Not that I can’t make things for breakfast, rather I am very bad about consistently getting up and finding the motivation to actually make something.

If you’re like me, depression often zaps my motivation from the moment I wake up. While I’ve taken to things like pour-over coffee as a routine to help jump start me, I have neglected the whole ‘start the day with a good breakfast’. To help address that I’ve taken to trying out ‘overnight oats’. The idea sounds weird I admit.

http://wholefully.com/2016/03/07/8-classic-overnight-oats-recipes-you-should-try/

At its core overnight oats are a mix of old fashioned steel cut oats, chia seeds, flax and other fruits that you place in a jar, add milk and allow to sit overnight. In the morning you no longer have to drag yourself through the kitchen trying to make a hot meal, you unscrew that lid and nom away.

I’ve tried a few variations of the above linked recipes and they aren’t bad. Might not be something you want to do EVERY night (cause let’s be honest oatmeal every morning gets tiring) but it’s a nice alternative. I’m hoping that between this and homemade yogurt I’ll be able to at least keep up the gut-health and conversely that helps stave off the pounds and improves mood regulation.

If you’ve had difficulties in caring for yourself in the morning I encourage you to look into this as an alternative to other fast food or grab and go breakfast options.

Projects and New Years Goals 2017

This past year isn’t one that I’d want to really remember. My divorce was finalized, I had to face the reality of my battle withe depression. Friends were let go, some chose to leave. Over time I know I have to try to rebuild. Investing in the ‘adult’ things that are needed has always been a tricky thing to me.

As 2016 closed I found myself buying some furniture to really redo the bedroom I currently have. It was a bit weird, the last time I really had to factor in furniture I was moving in with my new wife.

To keep myself busy over the New Years weekend I decided to try my hand at a memphis dry rub rib. As I live in a condo however there was an obvious wrinkle… no smoker.

The answer instead was to cook the ribs sous vide.

Split-rack of ribs in sous vide bathTwelve hours in the water bath helped to keep the meat soft and moist and a 40 minute finish in the oven lead to the end product.

In the end the particular recipe that was used was a bit overly dry and admittedly I think the ribs would have retained more moisture with a good quality brine before seasoning and sealing the bag.

Still though, giving an option to cooking ribs indoors w/o the need for a smoker was handy. The project kept me from dwelling on the past year and focused on a task with a viable pay off (om nom nom).

Cooking has been one of the few stress relief options I’ve had and trying to cook somewhat healthier has provided a challenge. I hope that I am able to continue my culinary therapy along with my other courses of action to help find a balance between moving forward and addressing my depression.

When Christmas Just Becomes Dec 25th

This will mark my first Christmas since my divorce was final and my second since my marriage basically ended. The depression is pretty rough, even if it wasn’t for the holidays but for me it’s never been particularly a fun time.

My parents separated right around the holidays and perhaps owing to my mom being Vietnamese we were never really big on celebrations. It was mostly just about having a simple meal with the family.

These days I realize I don’t care so much about things and gifts, it’s always been about spending time out of a hectic schedule. This year though to be honest, I feel like Christmas is just Dec 25th, another number and box on a calendar.

I hope to be able to get through the three days of the Christmas weekend and just survive. It sounds over dramatic, I know, but for me I think it will be a while before I’m ok with dealing with people during this season. I hope that folks who may come cross this blog understand that between folks who suffer from persistent depressive disorder, major depressive disorder or even just season affective disorder that the most joyous time of the year can for many be the most painful time of the year. To those in the same situation as I am, find that little thing you can focus on to get you through, find someone to confide in during the rough spots. Best wishes to all as the year comes to a close.

Book Recommendation — Robert Duff: Hardcore Self Help: F**k Depression

http://amzn.to/2hSDqrq
Hardcore Self Help: F**k Depression

I generally don’t try to pitch specific products or anything but I did find this a very good read. Robert Duff’s writing style is very frank and he tries to simplify elements of CBT and psychology to something relatable by most folks.

I appreciate the levity and honesty in his style. He doesn’t imply that simply reading his book is a cure to depression but that it’s a guide to show a possible direction to take your treatment options. Some of the approaches he has are simple yet accessible and often re-enforced by his reminder that the process of learning to cope with depression is a gradual one.

Though sometimes the bluntness of his wording may be off putting to some, for the occasional stubborn therapy patient (of which I’d say I qualify) it can be a pleasant read.

Pets and Their Role In Mental Health

https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-016-1111-3

I happened upon this post and was amused to see that it’s taken this long to assess the role that pets play in mental health. During my marriage, my spouse and I had a black and tan female shiba inu. We adopted her when she was just past a year old and I’ll admit she won us both over immediately.

Pets pass no judgement and for those of us suffering from mental illness it’s a huge thing to be unburdened by. I can understand how the study found pets at the central support circle for people. Though I do not have a pet now, it’s something I’ve considered. Having to take care of another living thing is a focus and helps to keep you engaged. If you’re having difficulty in finding a stable support circle and have the capacity for a pet, talk to your health care provider, see if you can get an emotional support animal. It might be that extra little bit you need to help with the difficult times.

The Catch-22 of Engaging Conversation and Depression

One of the elements of depression and anxiety that I’ve found to be a true catch-22 lies in the nature of conversation and engaging others. You don’t conquer depression in a vacuum, you need interpersonal relationships, that’s a given. The problems arise when trying to engage others becomes a weird lop sided affair.

One of the most typical things for me at least has often been ‘looped’ or single word replies. We’ve all been there, and social media, email/instant messenger apps make it happen. You say something, hoping to engage in conversation, you get back “that’s cool” or “ok”. There may be a myriad of reasons for it, folks are busy, things have different priorities. On the receiving end though it often feels like a brush off or a deflection. It isn’t their fault of course, therein lies the catch-22.

From my side I need to remind myself that everyone has their lives they are leading and timing doesn’t always mesh. I also have to remember how to phrase things so that they understand I’m reaching out. When you’re fighting depression it can be hard to not sound like you’re being negative but that’s another factor. Most folks don’t want to discuss negative things, it takes a toll.

It’s a daily struggle but I’m working little by little to restructure how I engage folks and not letting the ‘busyness’ of life make me dwell on the negativity I feel.

Blank Slates

One of the difficult parts about learning to live with my depression has been the sense that I have to rebuild. Following my divorce one of the most painful statements directed at me was “how could I not know myself <sic> at my age”

Identity isn’t something that’s static, it’s fluid. Our experiences twist, shape and mold who we are in the present. I can’t say my life has been happy, I can’t say it’s been bad either but in some areas it has been painful. Divorce is something I would never wish upon my enemies. It makes you question who you are at every turn, every choice you’ve made, every discussion you’ve had.

On a daily basis I find myself trying to find parts of myself that are still intact and inevitably finding parts that aren’t. I’ve had to make decisions about what parts of my past to break away from and what parts to hold onto tightly. It isn’t easy purging your life, your memories but sometimes you have to get rid of the things that were once you to be able to become a you that survives. Don’t be afraid to wipe the slate clean here and there.

Divorce and the Death of Art — By the Numbers

A lot changed for me from 2015 to 2016. My marriage was over, my ex-wife and I filed for divorce and any drive I had to pick up my camera died off. In part because I met my ex through art and because in some ways I lost her to it too.

Most of my footage was to help others, rarely for myself in the last few years of my marriage. I went from capturing anywhere from 500GBs of data through 2015 to less than 8GB for all of 2016.

I don’t photograph people anymore, it’s a little hard to get people to smile when you don’t. This isn’t the first time I’ve sunken this far and I doubt it will be the last time. Though my photography has been a source of decompression and therapy, it is done with a laser focus and purpose. Gone are the days of photographing for happiness’ sake. There are small projects in my head, darker ones that I want to express but haven’t found the full extent of what I want to say. In some ways the death of one art can be the birth of another. The journey to get there however isn’t always a pleasant one.