Blogging-Slice Of Life – Page 15 – Vraxx

Why Depression Is So Often A Joke

Few things in the world have as much stigma as mental health and depression certainly takes the cake. Among the most difficult things that I’ve had to observe is just how often depression is downplayed or joked about. A lot of it I think is that we have this weird three way split in how depression is defined.

There’s the dictionary term of depression which really just becomes a synonym with prolonged sadness. The social definition (or perhaps I should say the culture of depression) which most folks poke fun of by singling out people who seem more goth or emo. Lastly there is the clinical definition which while serious is often made the brunt of jokes or misunderstood entirely.

The first definition I think often frames the context for the general population and leads to a lot of issues for the later definition. Everyone experiences depression as an emotion. I mean unless you’re either supremely fortunate or have some other neurological condition. So everyone comes to see it as something that passes and you get over. As a result folks view definitions two and three in that context. Emo folks are viewed as ‘faking sadness’ because it’s trendy while people suffering from clinical depression are viewed as ‘attention seekers’ or people who simply can’t ‘get over it’. Both cases do a disservice.

While this month is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I am often reminded that like other major social issues of the day, I feel like Mental Health Awareness as a general category is something that folks should in some small way be aware of all year long. To a few of my circle I’ve joked “mental health day” is every day when you are battling depression. I used to use humor as a shield and I would be remiss if I didn’t say that I contributed to the same problem of joking about depression. I’ve hopefully learned to change my tune and I hope that gradually other folks start to understand the scope of it a bit more too.

Movies and an Errant Thought (X-Men Apocalypse)

Finally got around to watching X-Men: Apocalypse which when released wasn’t a particularly good time for me. The movie was entertaining enough but one thing gave me pause to think. (Warning spoilers!)

Fair warning right?

At the end of the first film Xavier wipes Moira’s memories which leads to some mildly amusing, awkward dialogue in this film. If only it were so easy to block memories I thought. I have seven years of memories of my now ex-wife. For me most of them were good memories, a few great ones, but now I try to bury them as far down as I can. Would that an X-Man could just telepathically block them out of my noggin.

Sadly that’s the world of comics and the real world is about having to face your memories and come to terms with them. Still, the idea is a thought provoking one, just how would life be different if people really could selectively block memories.

Depression and Time Perception

One of the most difficult things I’ve realized is that depression greatly alters how I perceive time. There used to be a point where I viewed the day as too short to do anything I wanted to get done. These days the hours seem to drag on. I feel like the day is nothing but voids.

I’ve done what I can to keep busy and to stave off from having my mind wander but it’s a daily struggle. Reading, watching shows, trying to focus on work at all hours seems to be the only way I manage these days. Old hobbies, activities are much harder for me to engage in. Painfully for me I suffer from insomnia which seems to compound matters. I’m hoping that I find a blend of activity, supplements and schedule that help me balance my way through the long gaps.

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month — Two Sides to the Movement

http://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Suicide-Prevention-Awareness-Month

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, as someone diagnosed with chronic depression this sort of brings mixed feelings to me and apparently to a lot of folks suffering from depression.

Suicide Prevention is definitely a hot button topic and one I take seriously. The problem becomes how people view the intent and reaction to it. reddit.com/r/depression is full of reactions, mostly negative towards the initiative. The thing is, for people who have been struggling with depression, the ‘support’ upsurge seen and the whole #suicideprevention hashtag comes off as an empty gesture. For many, people always like to rally behind causes and to claim they are doing their part for social justice but the reality is for all the social media visibility there is often that’s all it is. People feeling good about themselves for having done something socially uplifting. You want uplifting? Talk to your friend suffering from depression, volunteer at a suicide hotline, go with a friend to a therapy session if they are scared.

I won’t claim much of a moral high road here, I try to highlight and provide information as well but I don’t do so with the intent of getting hits on my page or attention, hell my name doesn’t even appear on this blog except for a single buried reference to my first name. The thing is people can do much more than simply dropping a hashtag and feeling like they’ve done something. So my personal ask, don’t be one of those lemming followers resharing and posting things about Suicide Prevention Awareness. Sit down, take a look at your friends, see if anyone could use a good ear to listen to them.

Immunity, Awareness and Media

Sorry couldn’t think of a snazzier title, but I thought it good to highlight a recent CNN article regarding Olympian Allison Schmitt who came forward about her struggle with depression.

http://www.cnn.com/2016/09/09/health/turning-points-allison-schmitt-depression-struggle/index.html

I think for someone in her position, especially something as competitive as Olympic caliber swimming, her willingness to publicly discuss her diagnoses and struggle is a big deal. The first statistic mentioned in the article is that 6.7% of adults have had at least one depressive episode. Figures on how many people suffer from chronic depression or major depressive disorder are more difficult to come by. One of the sobering thoughts is that there’s no such thing as an immunity to depression. It can strike just about anyone. While physical activity is often suggested as one of the first ways to combat depression if it can befall an Olympian you realize it’s a multi-layer problem.

Comedians, business icons, every day people. We all face struggles, we all face the possibility that we may be suffering from clinical depression. If there is some solace it is that now people are coming forward and trying to get folks to seek help. I know I was probably on a very bad road leading up to my divorce and while it is painful and difficult taking those first steps to get therapy, to look at treatment options has made a significant difference.

Pancakes for One

I woke up on Labor day with no sense of wanting to do anything. I had next to no motivation, no desire to get out there and experience a ‘holiday’. People smiling, the muggy weather, none of it made me feel particularly like going out. So I found myself doing something I haven’t done in a while, making a breakfast for one. Usually my breakfast is pretty plain, some yogurt, maybe warming a left over or two. I rarely have motivation for much else.

I used to enjoy cooking for my ex-wife and her father. It made me feel like I had a place in their home. These days home seems like a weird thing for me to say. I don’t really feel like I’m home here either in my condo. There was a time I would cook to relieve stress, to eat with a purpose, now though it’s just for the sake of not eating badly. I hope that in the future I can find that fire again and want to cook for the joy of cooking but until then, it’s just pancakes for one.

The Oatmeal — Being Perfectly Unhappy

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/unhappy

This crossed my news feed recently and while not directed at depression specifically I think it helps illustrate some of the difficulty of anhedonia quite well.

The uplift is there at times but for the most part it’s just sort of that dull flat emotional state. It’s hard to illustrate that to most folks, most folks just figure “you’re happy or you’re sad”. The layers of gray to me are much more varied.

Of Weekends and Idle Hands

For most folks the weekend is that moment of happiness when the work stresses end and the freedom begins. For me it’s been the opposite. Weekends are what I actually dread slightly. No focal point, no direction. Those slow times are the worst for me as I am alone with my thoughts. Motivation to get out and socialize isn’t there for me.

For now at least I’ve focused on projects and things to keep me busy, keep my mind active but the rest of what I do is pretty empty. Truly wish I had better advise to give in this regard but in truth what helps each person is different. I’m hoping through September I’ll be able to form some project ideas that are less cerebral and more engaging but I know it’s going to be hard. Sept 25th would have been our five year wedding anniversary. Instead it’s just a day on a calendar that I’d rather not think about.

As the milestones go away I hope that the dull pain does too.

Divorce and Mental Health

I started to frequent reddit.com more as I looked for things to keep my mind occupied. It’s a fairly interesting way to stave off boredom but it has pitfalls too. One of them being the subreddits intended for discussions about divorce (/r/divorce) and depression (/r/depression). Both forums are not happy places to visit, let’s be honest. Given the way reddit is by nature it can be a very wild and woolly place. One of the recent threads though hit home for me.

A wife mentioned her struggles in living with a spouse with mental health issues. Now the specific issues weren’t brought up but anger management aspects and depression certainly would have been my first guesses. She received a lot of positive urging to leave her situation. The irony for me is I can see things from the flip side of it.

It’s a weird double edged sword. You’re married, you start to suffer from depression/anxiety etc. Your relationship suffers, strains and in a lot of cases is destroyed. For the person who suffers from those issues though it’s just sort of one more thing on the haystack. The irony is family can be both a means to coping with depression and the best support base you can have or it can be trigger to episodes as well. Caregiver fatigue might be one of the biggest (though more often for women) examples that comes to mind. I can understand making the choice to leave if the anger leads to violence and abuse, I can understand how much of a strain it is for the other spouse to have to be there and trying to support that person. None of that makes the choice to divorce any easier though and it’s usually painful for both parties.

There’s a lot of days I sort of wonder if people suffering from depression are outlying cases that aren’t optimally meant to be in relationships. At times I feel like maybe I’m supposed to do other things and I’m not meant to be someone’s other half, or father. It’s a painful thing to contemplate but it reminds me that if I am to have those things in my life I need to continue to work against depression and find ways to cope.

Friends, Fading and Farewells

Divorce is about hard choices. The choice of what to say, what to fight for or against. One of the most awkward and painful is how it affects your circle of friends and family.

I made the choice to let go of a sizable number of friends, not because I disliked them but because I realized proximity to many of them would be a painful trigger for me given my divorce. A core of friends that I can still speak to is there and I lean on them heavily, probably more so than I should at times. I know some folks will view this as childish but to me those whom I call close friends are for the most part, still my friends. Acquaintances however, casual friends I accepted to let go of the lions share.

Divorce and especially depression is about survival. Sometimes that means letting go or getting your distance from folks that are too much of a trigger point to you. Don’t cut off everyone, keep those folks who you feel enough comfort with close at hand. It’s been difficult for me to let some friendships fade away, while saying blunt goodbyes to others. If you’re going through the same type of choices just remember there are subtle differences between having to let go of friends for your safety and giving in to depressive feelings of disconnect. It isn’t easy to maintain your objectivity but you have to make the effort.