vraxx

Dwallops of Happy — Panna Cotta

Before my divorce cooking was an enjoyable exercise and sometimes a form of stress relief. These days it’s a bit harder for me to get the ball rolling but I do enjoy a small simple project now and then.

This weekend I opted to experiment with a coffee panna cotta.

I decided to call this a ‘tribble’ since I had been watching a considerable amount of Star Trek. This is a coffee panna cotta topped with chocolate shavings. Truth be told I actually just used the shavings to cover up the top as it came out of the mold broken.

Hoping that this year at least I’ll be able to contribute to Thanksgiving by providing dessert instead of a usual side or starch. I hope that gradually being in a kitchen and making meals for myself or family gets easier. For now it foolishly feels like anything I make that’s at least edible is a trial in and of itself.

The Culture Change of America and Suicides

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2016/11/04/more-us-middle-school-students-dying-suicide-than-car-crashes.html

I came across the following article and it really struck a nerve with me. I was certainly an awkward kid, didn’t find my way until well into college. Todays figures though with suicides outpacing vehicular deaths is truly disheartening.

I would never contend that there is a singular cause to this painful upward trend in middle schooler deaths, but I often wonder if the pressures of a connected society and bullying have created a more hostile environment for children today than decades past. I can’t imagine how my life would have been if the attention of bullies didn’t end when I got back home. People having save-havens somewhere they feel they can be themselves is becoming more and more a rarity and it’s something that I think parents, teachers and other students need to start paying more attention to.

Depression strikes anyone at any age. Keeping an eye on various depression support groups I’ve seen the gradual increase. It used to be mostly college students, people in their 20’s and 30’s. These days we see reports of kids as young as 12 who have been diagnosed and are on medication. When i was 12 I was worried about the school lunch, not what anti-depressants I was going to be on.

Post-Halloween Thoughts

I’m grateful that the condo I live in has a strict policy of only allowing trick or treaters in the lobby area. As a result all the residents simply donate to a bigger collection of candy downstairs.

The relative silence and time away from the Halloween festivities made me think about what I’d even want to be. The reality is the costume that would make the most sense is someone who isn’t battling depression.

Never had much in the way of holiday spirit, used to go along with it till things were over and I could resume my usual flatline moods. It’s difficult to be happy at events when you feel like at any moment you’re going to crawl out of your skin. It’s irrational certainly but there’s no accounting for the sense of unease and anxiety that permeates in social situations for me. I push through as is needed or expected by cultural norms but sometimes I feel like every time I have to fake it to survive I lose a little something in the process. Hopefully I can gradually reclaim what I’ve lost, but for now I think it’s more an attrition phase than a rebuilding one.

The Holiday of Masks

I wish i could say that my slight blog absence was because I was doing better, the reality is Halloween is a bit of a difficult trigger for me. My ex-wife loved Halloween and the Christmas holidays and truthfully her will is what really made the holidays real for me.

There was a time when I enjoyed seeing costumes and craftsmanship, I’d enjoy taking a few photos. These days all I want is to be left alone and allowed to let the day pass without any real need to ‘celebrate’. Coping with my depression I often feel like I’m always wearing a mask, except instead of custom made clothes, make up and fake teeth, my disguise is a false smile and convincing people around me that I’m ‘ok’.

Don’t know that I’ll ever be okay with Halloween or any of the major holidays to be honest. I’ve never enjoyed them save for the company of friends. We’ve commercialized so many holidays that I always feel like the point of them has been lost to the ages. Maybe I’ll try to do something for arbor day.

Of Dreams and Nightmares

I’ve always been amused at how the subconscious works. Dreams, nightmares they all seem to jumble together and there isn’t always a ready cause for them. If only we knew the source.

I had gone through the whole meditation thing, lucid dreaming and other cognitive practices. Still those sometimes frequent weeks of nothing but nightmares do take their toll. Maybe it’s having to process pain and trauma when my mind is idle or just a looped memory trying to shake its way free. The last few days haven’t been kind to my sleep schedule.

Memories of the past twisted around, made painful aren’t uncommon in my nightmares. I’ve woken up a few times my heart racing, with glimpses of what transpired and all I can do is a Nathan Fillion-esque “huh”. Sometimes I worry that being driven by depression during the day and nightmares at night is a repeating cycle, one I haven’t figured out how to break.

Election Stress and the Mainstream Attention of Mental Health

One of the interesting things is that while people certainly understand stress they don’t always understand depression. The news these days is full of stressful events, tragic, frustrating and everything in between.

I found it unusual that there were literally things like support groups in Florida being setup for people “offended by racist Halloween costumes” and that mental health professionals were worried about the strain the election was putting on the country. All this attention to what feels more like periodic mental health issues yet the more widespread and chronic clinical depression is still paid more lip service than tangible change.

I had to take a break from some depression/anxiety related forums because the uptick in posts was difficult to see. People of all genders/orientations, ages and demographics experience the gamut of depression and anxiety and often finding someone to connect to and talk about their challenges is the most difficult thing. There isn’t a one-stop shop answer to the issue and I think that’s a difficult thing for most people to face. Don’t forget, from my personal experience I’ve believed that you have four primary planks that may be used. Health/Activity, Diet, counseling/CBT, prescription. Each thing helps in one aspect or another of coping with depression. For some people all four will be needed for others, just one or two. If you’re fighting depression/anxiety make that first call, consult your general physician a therapist but try to start. That initial step is the scariest but it’s the most critical.

Articles:
University of Florida Mental Health Services for Halloween Costumes
http://fus.in/2eZAkU5

Election Stress
http://huff.to/2etzagW

The Meekend

The weekend is not my favorite time of the week. My motivation to leave the house some days is stifling. I try to counter act my anxiety I’ve often taken to mini-missions. Specific goals or objectives that I have to meet in order drag myself out of the home. Going out for myself, or for the sake of myself isn’t quite there yet but I try to do something a bit more social in little doses.

Today I found myself trying to brave the crowds of a coffee and chocolate farmers market. To be entirely honest though there was next to no chocolate… Which is fine, I’m allergic anyway. I was reminded how much I dislike crowds and bumping through a mass of bodies. I found a few odds and ends for friends and made my way to Magnolia Cafe situated in Ala Moana, our largest open air mall. Eating alone post-divorce is still strange and uncomfortable but I muscle through.

Watching families smile and laugh and admittedly argue is strange. Some times I smirk or smile, as I’ve always tried to maintain a happier face around kids. Other times inside I feel like I’m not here. Like the world is around me and I’m in a little bubble. So I sit, read or blog and try to remind myself that all the noises, sights and sounds are something I have work my way through.

Asking for a “table for one” still feels painful but I know I have to get used to it. I guess I don’t quite look like I belong here and was asked if I was visiting from the mainland. I jokingly said yes, that I was here from Berkeley. A half truth I suppose but a better alternative than “No, I just don’t belong here random stranger”. Still I appreciated someone trying to make casual conversation. Just have to remind myself to switch off the snide side of myself more.

Between babies crying and the clang of the kitchen I find myself thinking about what it means to be out and about in the world. I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about it, but I know it’s something I have to work at. So here’s the meekend, be it ever so humble.

The Masks We See, the Masks We Don’t

Halloween is a weird double edge for me. My anxiety always made it a bit of a tricky balance but I found ways to cope. This Halloween will be very different. My ex wife loved Halloween. It was an important time for her as she loved cosplay and costuming. These days I see it as a subtle reminder of how depression is.

Depression is like being in costume at times. We smile, we go out, we try to convince everybody we’re having a good time. It’s a mask, one we’ve put on for the benefit of others and to feel socially acceptable. When we return to our homes instead of troves of candy to pick through we find ourselves self-reflecting in sometimes painful negative thought loops. I doubt I will go out, if at all, this Halloween. Too tired of my mask, too exhausted from the loops.

Over time I hope that going out becomes just that. It’s me as I am, plain faced and me. For now it will continue to be a mixture of masks and illusions.

Rough Roads and Echos

I wish I could say that Sept and Oct have been good months for me but the reality is they have been very trying times. Between anniversaries and a season that my ex-wife really enjoyed there are too many memories that I have swimming in my head as of late.

Sept apparently is a rough time on the whole for people suffering from depression; particularly those afflicted by seasonal depression; as the weather shifts, the sun is out less affecting both sleep patterns and temperature. I’ve tried to use the various coping tools at my disposal but I’ll admit it hasn’t been pleasant. After a while everything feels like just a futile attempt at distracting myself from factors I can’t change.

I’m trying to focus on cooking and things that fulfill two needs at once. The need to distract myself from the less positive things going on and keeping myself fed and (hopefully) healthy. Not always succeeding on the former. Still though I know it has to be done and right now ‘has to be done’ seems to trump ‘want to do’. Then again, not difficult when your mind literally ‘wants’ nothing.

Oct 10 — World Mental Health Day

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/world-mental-health-day-2016_us_57f3d21ae4b01b16aaff2c85?section=us_science

Take a moment to read the above article. It’s a worthwhile read. While some things have improved, there’s a long way to go in terms of how mental health is treated and perceived in America (and the world as a whole).

Most of this article looks at mental health and some of the connections to things like violent crime etc, but I’d rather focus on the stigma and perception half. Mental health conjures some rather negative views to most folks. The word I hear most is “crazy” or “imaginary”. Both terms are grossly slanted views of what mental health really means for most folks. Don’t misunderstand, I realize there are some very serious cases of mental illness such as schizophrenia and dissociative disorder which may require hospitalization but for most people the common mental health issues include depression, anxiety and addiction disorders.

For the more common cases of mental health issues the biggest hurdle is getting help and it’s not easy. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before you seek out professional help. If you’re on the fence about it please I urge you see your doctor, see a therapist to get your issues out in the open at the very least. The road to recover can be a difficult one but I can tell you that the longer you wait the harder it is.