September 2016 – Page 2 – Vraxx

Been One of Those Weeks

It’s been a rough week/month all around. Later this month would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary but that’s no longer the case. Over time it gets easier, things I used to remember in clear vivid detail have started to fog over. It’s a bit of survival in some ways, remembering too much triggers a depressive wave. I’ve tried to socialize more with my remaining circle of friends but it isn’t without its ups/downs.

The insomnia comes and goes, not nearly as bad as it once was. Progress is such a slow, ponderous thing but I’m getting used to the gradual nature of it. My energy levels have been low but I suspect that could be in part due to the storms and overall weather. Wish the days moved faster and I could try to get past the mental blocks.

Why Depression Is So Often A Joke

Few things in the world have as much stigma as mental health and depression certainly takes the cake. Among the most difficult things that I’ve had to observe is just how often depression is downplayed or joked about. A lot of it I think is that we have this weird three way split in how depression is defined.

There’s the dictionary term of depression which really just becomes a synonym with prolonged sadness. The social definition (or perhaps I should say the culture of depression) which most folks poke fun of by singling out people who seem more goth or emo. Lastly there is the clinical definition which while serious is often made the brunt of jokes or misunderstood entirely.

The first definition I think often frames the context for the general population and leads to a lot of issues for the later definition. Everyone experiences depression as an emotion. I mean unless you’re either supremely fortunate or have some other neurological condition. So everyone comes to see it as something that passes and you get over. As a result folks view definitions two and three in that context. Emo folks are viewed as ‘faking sadness’ because it’s trendy while people suffering from clinical depression are viewed as ‘attention seekers’ or people who simply can’t ‘get over it’. Both cases do a disservice.

While this month is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I am often reminded that like other major social issues of the day, I feel like Mental Health Awareness as a general category is something that folks should in some small way be aware of all year long. To a few of my circle I’ve joked “mental health day” is every day when you are battling depression. I used to use humor as a shield and I would be remiss if I didn’t say that I contributed to the same problem of joking about depression. I’ve hopefully learned to change my tune and I hope that gradually other folks start to understand the scope of it a bit more too.

Movies and an Errant Thought (X-Men Apocalypse)

Finally got around to watching X-Men: Apocalypse which when released wasn’t a particularly good time for me. The movie was entertaining enough but one thing gave me pause to think. (Warning spoilers!)

Fair warning right?

At the end of the first film Xavier wipes Moira’s memories which leads to some mildly amusing, awkward dialogue in this film. If only it were so easy to block memories I thought. I have seven years of memories of my now ex-wife. For me most of them were good memories, a few great ones, but now I try to bury them as far down as I can. Would that an X-Man could just telepathically block them out of my noggin.

Sadly that’s the world of comics and the real world is about having to face your memories and come to terms with them. Still, the idea is a thought provoking one, just how would life be different if people really could selectively block memories.

Depression and Time Perception

One of the most difficult things I’ve realized is that depression greatly alters how I perceive time. There used to be a point where I viewed the day as too short to do anything I wanted to get done. These days the hours seem to drag on. I feel like the day is nothing but voids.

I’ve done what I can to keep busy and to stave off from having my mind wander but it’s a daily struggle. Reading, watching shows, trying to focus on work at all hours seems to be the only way I manage these days. Old hobbies, activities are much harder for me to engage in. Painfully for me I suffer from insomnia which seems to compound matters. I’m hoping that I find a blend of activity, supplements and schedule that help me balance my way through the long gaps.

Depression/Sadness Not Always the Same Thing

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-friedman-lmsw/depression_b_1793598.html

Decided to highlight this article (it’s old but still pertinent) for folks who may not necessarily understand what aspects of depression there are. When my ex-wife initiated our divorce I had to face the fact that I was in a dark, bad place. As I sat with my therapist and fleshed out the things that were bothering me I realized that prior to the divorce I was showing all the signs of depression. I didn’t feel “sad” per say, I didn’t feel much of well anything was the problem.

I’d almost draw a parallel between anhedonia and a sensory deprivation tank. Not feeling something in some ways is worse than feeling at all over time. For me it bred a sense of uselessness with everything I was doing. The phrase “My heart wasn’t in it” I think became my knee-jerk reaction. These days I’m more aware of my emotional state, be it sadness from the divorce or the numbness of anhedonia. The biggest difference, awareness and trying to use various coping tools and behaviors discussed as part of CBT sort of makes me feel like I’m still in the driver seat of my life. Something that after several years of depression I felt wasn’t the case.

Pay attention in particular to the last paragraph of the article. I think it articulates a lot of the challenges of dealing with depression and seeking help.

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month — Two Sides to the Movement

http://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Suicide-Prevention-Awareness-Month

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, as someone diagnosed with chronic depression this sort of brings mixed feelings to me and apparently to a lot of folks suffering from depression.

Suicide Prevention is definitely a hot button topic and one I take seriously. The problem becomes how people view the intent and reaction to it. reddit.com/r/depression is full of reactions, mostly negative towards the initiative. The thing is, for people who have been struggling with depression, the ‘support’ upsurge seen and the whole #suicideprevention hashtag comes off as an empty gesture. For many, people always like to rally behind causes and to claim they are doing their part for social justice but the reality is for all the social media visibility there is often that’s all it is. People feeling good about themselves for having done something socially uplifting. You want uplifting? Talk to your friend suffering from depression, volunteer at a suicide hotline, go with a friend to a therapy session if they are scared.

I won’t claim much of a moral high road here, I try to highlight and provide information as well but I don’t do so with the intent of getting hits on my page or attention, hell my name doesn’t even appear on this blog except for a single buried reference to my first name. The thing is people can do much more than simply dropping a hashtag and feeling like they’ve done something. So my personal ask, don’t be one of those lemming followers resharing and posting things about Suicide Prevention Awareness. Sit down, take a look at your friends, see if anyone could use a good ear to listen to them.

Immunity, Awareness and Media

Sorry couldn’t think of a snazzier title, but I thought it good to highlight a recent CNN article regarding Olympian Allison Schmitt who came forward about her struggle with depression.

http://www.cnn.com/2016/09/09/health/turning-points-allison-schmitt-depression-struggle/index.html

I think for someone in her position, especially something as competitive as Olympic caliber swimming, her willingness to publicly discuss her diagnoses and struggle is a big deal. The first statistic mentioned in the article is that 6.7% of adults have had at least one depressive episode. Figures on how many people suffer from chronic depression or major depressive disorder are more difficult to come by. One of the sobering thoughts is that there’s no such thing as an immunity to depression. It can strike just about anyone. While physical activity is often suggested as one of the first ways to combat depression if it can befall an Olympian you realize it’s a multi-layer problem.

Comedians, business icons, every day people. We all face struggles, we all face the possibility that we may be suffering from clinical depression. If there is some solace it is that now people are coming forward and trying to get folks to seek help. I know I was probably on a very bad road leading up to my divorce and while it is painful and difficult taking those first steps to get therapy, to look at treatment options has made a significant difference.

It’s Kinda Like That…

One of the hardest things to get used to these days is being able to talk to folks about depression. The responses I’ve gotten vary pretty broadly from the usual ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ to ‘Suck it up and move forward’.

I try not to let any of the suggestions rub me the wrong way but I think people all too often don’t really have a frame of reference for understanding clinical depression vs. being depressed. So I sat around in my bed doing art therapy and came up with what I hope is an example that people might be able to relate to.

Being depressed and situational sadness fades over time and you move on. Great, the healing process as intended. Clinical depression hangs with you for years and in a lot of cases is almost like a horrible aversion therapy. Unlike other therapies intended to break you of bad habits it’s aversion towards happiness. Imagine for a second that through the course of your day you go out and you do something you like, read a book let’s say. Now imagine that the second you feel happy you get shocked by electricity. It’s unpleasant, it breaks your ability to do the thing you enjoy, it makes you angry maybe sad. Now imagine that happens, every time you experience a moment of happiness. After a while your mind starts to simply not feel anything because it’s ‘safer’. It sounds pretty screwed up but it’s the closest parallel I could think of.

Tough love folks will of course turn this around “It’s just in your head, you’re being emo” etc. If this were situational sure, OK I could see that criticism (don’t entirely agree with it but that’s another discussion). If it’s clinical depression, be it persistent depressive disorder, major depression however it’s only half the story. It’s often frustrated me when people figure that you can simply ‘be happy’. Going through CBT, reworking my diet, exercise etc has made me feel almost like it’s rehab. Instead of a muscle being torn, it’s like your happiness legs broke and you’re learning to walk again. That might sound overblown to most, but understand that for folks who have been fighting clinical depression for 2+ years the whole thing really does feel crippling so the metaphor has some foundation.

Like rehab and PT, it’s a slow slog, it isn’t easy to see. I can understand that as someone on the outside looking in, maybe at your friend, your loved one struggling it’s hard to stand by not sure what you can do to help. Best advice I can give from my perspective? Listen to them if they rant, laugh if they laugh. If someone you know is already on the track of trying to recover from depression they’ve heard it all before, they know the schpiel, they’re just looking for someone to nod and recognize they’re fighting.

Pancakes for One

I woke up on Labor day with no sense of wanting to do anything. I had next to no motivation, no desire to get out there and experience a ‘holiday’. People smiling, the muggy weather, none of it made me feel particularly like going out. So I found myself doing something I haven’t done in a while, making a breakfast for one. Usually my breakfast is pretty plain, some yogurt, maybe warming a left over or two. I rarely have motivation for much else.

I used to enjoy cooking for my ex-wife and her father. It made me feel like I had a place in their home. These days home seems like a weird thing for me to say. I don’t really feel like I’m home here either in my condo. There was a time I would cook to relieve stress, to eat with a purpose, now though it’s just for the sake of not eating badly. I hope that in the future I can find that fire again and want to cook for the joy of cooking but until then, it’s just pancakes for one.

Self Help Books and Perspective

As my therapy sessions are now more spread out I’ve continued to try to find books and other resources to help me maintain perspective and find ways to cope with my depression, divorce and all the small nuances in between.

One of the small aspects that I’ve found somewhat vexing lies in the approaches of both types of texts at times. Here’s the thing that I feel a lot of text misses. There’s depression and clinical depression. Everyone’s felt depressed, usually that’s situational with very specific events that trigger it. Divorce obviously being a big one. Clinical depression however isn’t simply triggered by any one thing at times. I find a lot of divorce books sort of gloss this over and the tone and approaches they maintain sometimes just feed into the negative loop of depression. On the other hand most texts about battling clinical depression don’t overlap with coping with major trigger events like divorce. So you’re sort of left with one book in your right hand, and another in your left.

Most texts about coping with depression share common tools with those that talk about recovering from divorce. Therapy, communication, meditation, exercise are all common tools. Most books on divorce don’t discuss neurochemistry or other dietary changes to help cope they just gloss over avoiding “bad foods”.

I’m not trying to say that self-help books are useless. There’s valuable wisdom and insight now and then but you have to take it with a grain of salt. Books can’t pin point anything specific to you, it’s broad strokes. I try to remind myself of for everything I read. Much like those books, I feel my blog may verbalize my own pain and my own trials and I hope that if anyone chances upon it that they understand that there are people out there struggling too. Hopefully some of the tools I’ve listed help others.