Social Media – Toxic Relationship Perfectionism

I’m not against getting out of an abusive situation or knowing when to walk away because of fundamental compatibility issues, but there’s a trend that I often see that’s too black and white for me and that I can’t always say I’m OK with. For lack of a better term, I’m going to call it Toxic Relationship Perfectionism.

How often do we see snippets and IG’s, Tik Toks and FB posts about If your man ain’t X, Y, Z leave him. And so on. While at first blush I’m ok with this, it turns the issue into a black and white thing of ‘if your significant other isn’t perfect leave’. Relationships aren’t a binary thing, it isn’t a check box in one corner and a zero in the other. We aren’t static creatures and are constantly changing. Nobody is perfect but we always push the idea that if someone has a failing then it’s time to go. If you look at something from both sides, I’m sure each partner has something that doesn’t always work for the other. We’ve all fallen victim to the powers of our own egos and have toxic periods in life. The real question is how do you go about addressing those issues. We constantly like to throw out inspirational quips but we forget that there’s always real work involved in maintaining, repairing and sustaining a relationship. We choose not to mention the need for constructive communication and facing the difficult parts of life/relationships together and doing so in a productive way. The perfectionist message that I see is almost as bad as the overused prince charming and fairy tail ideology of the past, just dressed up to look a bit more ‘woke’.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know that I’ll ever re-marry, not because I don’t believe in marriage or anything like that. It’s mostly because I realize there’s a lot I feel I still need to work on in order to be a reasonable spouse. I will always carry some of the baggage of my past marriage with me, but the question is, is it baggage that informs my life in the future or drags me down and prevents me from going forward. If we take the typical social-media view though I’m an imperfect spouse, and should therefore be avoided at all costs. But then who is a perfect spouse? Does this marital unicorn really exist?

It would be my hope that people don’t let social media and the usual ‘click-bait’ culture we’ve developed overly shape their beliefs. Don’t assume that things are absolute. Go out there, be honest about what works and doesn’t work, be willing to communicate, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Social Interaction Post-COVID

I’d be lying if I said that I hated everything that occurred during the heaviest of the COVID outbreak. As an introvert I’ll admit the reduction in people being out and about was actually somewhat comforting to me. I was still active and on the road due to work, which I’m grateful for, but people were far and few between. Roads were less congested, people were a little more mindful of personal space.

As things are easing up obviously we’re going back to how things were which is both good and bad. It hasn’t always been a great adjustment for me though. While I’ll take flack for it, I miss “COVID-traffic” which is to say I missed not having traffic. People were a little nicer on the road, speeding seemed like it was down and I hadn’t gotten tailgated in ages. Crowds and lines are returning which isn’t as much fun for me. As the mask mandates are lifted I’ll have another interesting adjustment to make. There was something a little nice about not having to put on a fake smile while around crowds that I’ll miss. I won’t miss the muffling of my voice or the stuffiness (or having to smell my own breath so much). But what will I do now that I can’t do a great Bane impression at will?

With mental health awareness being pushed more mainstream, I hope that as we adjust to this new normal we find ways to maintain some of the better practices that came from our COVID outbreak days. I hope that people continue to respect space and try to be a bit more understanding. News and other observations however aren’t great. I feel like traffic ramped back up something fierce and people see the continued COVID mandates as an annoyance and are more prone to snapping at one another. In the mean time I’ll make what changes I can and try to gauge where my comfort level is when I do go out and about.

Creative Slump Time

So I’ll admit I have been very sporadic with posts due in no small part to COVID, but also because I’ve felt like I haven’t really had much to share that’s meaningful. I always feel weird just yammering on about my day since that’s pretty boring and wouldn’t really help anyone who is looking for ideas, tools or a sounding board for their depression.

Here I am in the uncomfortably humid weather trying to determine what I could put out there. There was a time I felt more artistic and enjoyed being able to express myself behind the lens through photography. These days my ‘shooting’ is with gunpowder and there’s definitely no art there (Though I am intrigued by people who use gunpowder to burn art onto surfaces). With the weather being as hot as it has been this summer (and even now in Oct) I’ve also found myself struggling to find fun baking ideas. I suppose I could try my hand again at chilled desserts too.

Motivation is always a challenge with depression and this season has been especially rough for me. Ammo prices are a little ridiculous so I can’t target-shoot as I’d like. Weather is painfully still hot and humid, so baking is a no-go. That leaves me with every little. I have managed to find one slightly more affordable hobby. Being an IT person by trade I finally bit the bullet and starting playing with Raspberry Pi’s. Not food pie, but a small ARM based micro-computer.

Raspberry Pi 4, 4GB model in a passive cooling case

It may seem weird to think of a micro computer as being a fun outlet but it’s allowed me to dabble in server work, a little bit of light programming in a very small and fun package. The accessory market for these devices is almost ridiculously broad and there’s plenty of projects. If you’re a parent, the options for DIY with your kids is also something I found really interesting. While I may not creatively be able to express myself; especially with external factors being what they are; I can still enjoy trying to battle back against depression and the strong urge to just be idle and get back into bad-habits by trying to expand my skillset. If tech isn’t your thing, try simple crafts or something to at least scratch a creative itch.

Finding a Balance Between Self-Criticism and Self-Critique

Depression does some tricky things to your self image and self assessment. Something I still struggle with is a balance point between my desire to be honest with myself about my weaknesses and failings while not falling into a cycle of severe negative thinking about myself. Let’s take a look down this rabbit hole.

When my marriage was over one of the things I had to stare bluntly in the face was the way that I had recoiled from my spouse and became distant. It was a series of bad choices that I had made, either consciously or subconsciously I honestly don’t know anymore. It’s taken a lot of time for me to to understand that regardless of intent, it happened and I have to own that now. At the same time however, anxiety and depression cranked my self-assessment all the way to an ’11’. I began wondering if I was simply emotionally abusive, was I a severely negligent person when it came to others. For a good long while after the divorce was finalized I simply felt that I was a massive toxic ball of emotions that nobody should be around. Fast forward the tape and while I still think I have my toxic moments, I know that I am always working towards a more even approach to things. I may not be warm and fuzzy but I don’t think I’m a severely toxic person (at least not by intention).

Getting into that rumination and overthinking spiral is a common thing for me and one of the small tools I made use of was journaling just what was going on in my head when I had those bouts. Writing these excessive thoughts down gave me pause to process but also a chance to take a look back again later to see just where my head was at. Seeing it written out also helped me to take a step back and view things in a more rational and dispassionate way. If there was something that I caught myself writing about frequently enough I’d turn that into a behavior that I’d work to adjust or simply be more mindful of.

One of my more annoying behaviors I suspect evolved from my chosen profession. As an IT person, my role is almost always about solving someone’s problems and being critical about all the things that could go wrong. While that may have worked for my day-job in many ways that critical behavior in my personal life took the form of excessive negativity and criticism. I’m sure for my ex-wife that was a daily nuance and something that chipped away at her constantly while we were together. Realizing how often I had written about it it’s something that I continue to work on to this day. I keep my criticisms as constructive as I can, I try to actively hold off on advice unless asked. If I feel like I should voice something I take a step back, think upon it more from perhaps the other persons perspective. Only if it’s urgent or critical enough do I then interject. It may seem rather simplistic, but it’s something that I realized I had to adjust in myself. While I still catch myself and my knee jerk reaction to provide my opinion and advice, it’s a pattern I actively try to break in the hopes that I will be more thoughtful in the future.

Depression and Anxiety Amid COVID-19

I doubt most of us could have fathomed that a viral outbreak would lead to a time of extreme social isolation. For most people this is a hard pill to swallow but there’s a different viewpoint to be had from folks, like myself, who have often self-isolated voluntarily.

For most people reducing human contact to this extent probably feels stifling. Yet we live in a world full of technology where ‘reaching’ out doesn’t have to equate with being face to face. For me it was a subtle shift. I had adopted work from home early on due to various family circumstances. As depression crept more and more into my daily life I had barely noticed that I wasn’t really going out as much. Several years later, post-divorce, post-diagnosis, I started to observe just how my social interaction had shifted. I purposely left events early, I’d go at the least populated times to shop. Large social circles weren’t a big draw for me. Flash forward to today and everyone is now forced to limit their interaction in much the same way, even moreso.

Most are worried about supplies and cabin fever taking over, loss of healthy activities. Me, I worry for peoples’ mental health. It’s going to be a very new experience for most to not have options like the gym, or the pub to unwind. Left in your home with nothing but your chores and thoughts can be daunting. For me the same tools I’ve used to deal with depression still apply. I eat differently as I’m less active than most. I take supplements to try and offset my lack of Vit-D. I use stationary exercise gear to keep some semblance of activity. Reading becomes a bigger part of my day if only to escape the news.

There’s one thing I do fear though. Humor is normally a good outlet and a way for us to bring levity amid a crisis. Me, I worry that when this pandemic eventually runs its course how are people going to view social distancing and isolation. Will we become more mindful of personal space and hygiene? Will people look at those of us who self isolate like fools? Ideally to me there’d be a greater degree of understanding out there. People would try to respect everyone’s health a bit more be it physical or mental. Sadly though I don’t know that’s really the case. We forget too quickly after a crisis but here’s hoping that we manage to grow as people as a result of this terrible situation.

Why I Love and Hate Valentines Day

Chocolates abound, red hearts everywhere, stuffed bears and roses at every corner. Yeah it’s that time of year again. As a divorcé I’ve come to develop a very mixed relationship with this time of year. I enjoy seeing my married/dating friends happy, but it’s something that I feel somewhat separate from. Not because I’m unattached but because the idea of romance is so far out of my head that it almost feels alien.

I’m approaching V-Day 2020 a little differently this year. In years past I’ve generally just walled up and tried to simply get other work done. This year I’m debating doing some range time, either a competition primer or just a range practice day. I hope to bake, motivation willing but I don’t want to isolate as much as years past. The most painful parts of my divorce are done and I realize I have to start taking those baby steps forward.

One aspect of Valentines that’s always hard for me with my depression is similar to what pains me about Christmas. It has become almost competitive as a social standing. With social media I’ve always felt like Valentines day is a game of one-upmanship where each couple is looking to top the next one they see. “Your bf got you roses, mine got me roses chocolates” “oh yeah, mine got me gold roses and imported chocolate” and on and one. The extent to which this judgement is pushed, marketed and sometimes used to shame others has gotten unbearable for me. If you love someone shouldn’t you be showing that just about any day? Sure maybe you can make a different date plan but it should be intimate, not spread-eagle for the world to gawk at.

If I had a singular hope for those people struggling with mental health issues around this time of year it’s that I wish any one with depression, anxiety or any other condition to have a partner that knows that it’s the isolated, intimate moment that makes a day like Valentines potentially special. Sometimes it isn’t the grand gesture or showing off about town. Sometimes it’s just as simple as heart shaped pancakes and being able to Netflix and chill with someone that gets you. The world doesn’t have to know your love, long as your love knows they are the world to you.

New Years and Depression – Coping Ideas

So I’ll be very blunt. October through about April is the hardest part of the year for me depression-wise. The collapse of my marriage and subsequent divorce more or less ran from those months and while I try not to dwell on the really painful memories it entailed it still affects me to this day. I have however come to understand that I have to find outlets and methods to cope with it and being New Years Eve I thought I’d schedule this particular post for anyone having difficulties as the year draws to a close.

New Years is always a time where people take to self reflection. I do that constantly, to the point where it ramps my anxiety. As such the increased focus on it in social media, news and social circles can become overwhelming. As down as it sounds, I stopped treating Christmas and the run up to the New Years as something to celebrate. After all being Asian my family actually celebrates the Lunar New Year more than NYE/NY. I don’t make particularly elaborate plans, I just treat it as ‘a day off’ from work. But what does that really mean right?

Call me a Grinch I suppose, I don’t really go all-in with Christmas but as a result, my budget is OK, I don’t stress about parties or gifts (except for those really close to me) and I try to focus on positive messages and thank you to those who have managed to still keep in touch. I find activities that have a short turn around time and yield fun results. The latest experiment for me, coffee gummy bears.

Cooking has been rather cathartic for me, between healthier eating and the occasional bread-making, I’ve tried to expand into recipes that I don’t really know as well. This past Christmas I experimented with paleo-friendly gummies. The main reason? They take all of ten minutes to actually mix, and just an hour to set and enjoy. While an hour can sometimes seems like an eternity, I tried to find small activities throughout the holidays that could yield results. Other tasks I passed the time with, Lego sets while waiting on laundry. Seems silly right, but it gets two things out of the way. You’re distracted while cleaning so that you aren’t sitting there listening to the drone of a washer/dryer and you’re making progress on cleaning up around yourself and self-care.

I realize my outlets aren’t going to necessarily line up with everybody else, but consider some of the aspects of my approaches and apply them to yourself. If you like cooking, try a small recipe you’ve been meaning to try out, doesn’t need to be candy. Like building things, maybe try out a building game rather than an FPS shooter (The Sims, Parkitect, Rimworld). Vary your pattern just enough so that you get something ‘different’ than just your daily.

Motivation is probably the biggest issue with anything I’ve mentioned above, and I get that. There’s a lot of mornings it’s a struggle to want to cook or try cleaning up anything. So remember that a lot of it is momentum. Don’t try to be grand in your plan like “I’m going to clean the whole room”. Go smaller, tidy up just the bed itself. If you have that forward push, maybe try sorting a drawer. If you find your motivation waning, move on from the cleaning to something else.

The holidays are rough, but if you can find those two or three things to get you through the day without putting a strain on your mental health it makes a difference. I know, I know it sounds like some stupid motivational meme thing right? My days aren’t full of constant cooking and positivity, there are a lot of days I just sort of zombie-walk my way through things. No matter what your current situation, small changes, big changes, anything to move into a better mental health space helps. It doesn’t always feel like it, I know, but while there’s no magic cure-all, you can find ways to fight back against the undertow.

Combating Dysthymia Short Game/Long Game

One of the biggest issues I’ve faced in dealing with dysthymia is motivation. Let’s face it when you don’t feel joy from anything being able to put forth focus and dedicate time to something becomes harder and harder to do. This applies to just about everything I do, including my coping mechanisms.

Lately I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus from my target shooting to focus on budget and managing things in my day-to-day life. While this is good in the sense that I’m trying to be responsible, it also meant one outlet for stress wasn’t really there. Normally I’d turn to baking or other small projects (LEGOs, journaling) to help me with focus but that wasn’t really working out. Today however I tried to get back on track and reminded myself of the need for short-turn around rewards, playing the short game. The hardest thing is starting, definitely a truth that anyone struggling with depression or anxiety has to deal with. I found myself getting up thinking “Hey I’ll make a loaf of bread” and then as I’d plan out I realized there was the entire process of having to prep, proof, form, bake, cool and well there went any motivation I had. To try and get out of this pattern I tried to alter my routine slightly so I wouldn’t lose motivation. Normally I brew some coffee in the morning but this means waking up groggy, grinding beans and making a fresh cup of java. This time however I opted to brew some coffee the evening before so that I wouldn’t have to go through the process while I was at my lowest motivation point. Luckily I happen to like iced coffee and cold brew. So here I was at 6AM, fresh-ish cup of coffee in hand. I wouldn’t try to force myself to make a big loaf of something, I set my sights a bit more “down to earth”. I opted to make something which didn’t have to proof or was nearly as involved. A simple drop-scone recipe.

Some iced coffee and a small snack to kick start the morning

The change in my routine kept me a bit on my toes and working on a recipe I hadn’t done before gave it novelty. As I preheated my oven and sipped my coffee I piled together my ingredients on the table and got ready to mix. Once my oven was at temp, in started the mixing. It was simple, quick and something I hadn’t really tried before. No loaf pans, no complex yeast to factor in. After a quick mixing I grabbed a scooper and plopped the dough down and in it went. Twenty minutes later out came the net result. Thankfully the baseline recipe I opted for worked pretty well and now I had some nice strawberry scones to go with my brew. It was a small victory, but one that I needed to keep me going.

Sometimes victories are small, but they keep you moving forward

If you find your drive slipping during a depressive episode or just as a general low, try to take a step back and look at what you can do to switch from items requiring a long commitment to things you can do within your interests or coping tools with a shorter return. It isn’t always easy to find ways to reduce that investment but it can provide that kickstart and inertia to keep you moving forward. Sometimes you have to play the short game to make progress in the long game. It’s never easy but you can make progress.

Daily Musing – 9-25-19

Been rather quiet for the last few months, but because of anything bad but certainly several items relating to my divorce that are finally closed but were stressing me out for some time.

I mostly created this blog just as an outlet when I couldn’t seem to get things out of my head. Over time I realized I wanted to try focusing on those elements of mental health that can be the most daunting to start in on. Eventually I realized that as someone with dysthymia little changed day to day and I worried that there were few ‘new’ messages I had in me to try and share/educate others. I’m hoping to create more generalized daily notes about the ups/downs of living with dysthymia, things I’ve found that work for me, things I’ve seen in the news etc.

With the last major asset from my divorce done, my ex-wife now has the things she wanted and I am no longer liable in the event of something occurring with her. There’s a part of me that’s glad it’s all over but almost as much there is a fearful part of me. I had braced and worried about having to take this to a long legal battle for so long that the heightened anxiety had become a baseline. With that no longer in effect I find myself questioning a lot. The real rebuilding begins now for me. I need to make sure that all my financial matters start to line up so I can try to get back on better footing. Not really sure what changes are going to be in store for me but at least I no longer have to worry about someone else’s life impacting mine in an unexpected way. Hopefully she and I never have to cross paths again, but I do not wish her any ills. It’s just done, whatever connections we had are severed.

The only other mental health item I’ve been mulling over a lot lately is how my ability to communicate with friends has certainly shifted. I don’t think I do well with small talk anymore and I am often keenly aware that I am self-censoring a lot. I make an effort to not say the negative things that come off the cuff because for most people that makes it hard to be around me. If there’s one downside to that though it’s that I perpetually feel like I can’t be 100% me around even former friends. Suppose that’s one reason why there’s safe-spaces like therapists.

Quirks – Why Summer is More Annoying for Me

One of the weirder things for me is that while winter and fall don’t trigger much for me in the sense of seasonal depression, I do find that my ire is usually higher in summer.

Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s that folks tend to be out and about and louder and I’m just the classic old-guy yelling at kids to get off his lawn (if I had a lawn). Perhaps some of it stems from being more of an introverted personality. I’m more asocial than most of the folks here and I prefer a relatively low-hum drum level of base noise over the raucous sounds of a celebration. Could just be that I find it easier to deal with the cold where I can just add layers versus the heat and humidity. There’s only so many layers you _can_ take off before people are likely to call the cops on you.

Whatever the root cause summer isn’t actually my favorite time of the year and this summer has been particularly hot and humid. As a result though I’ve tried to focus on healthier habits. Less fats, lower sodium and sugars. More keeping hydrated, more vegetables. I suppose in some way this is my chance to get a jump start on trying to be healthier so when the weather does get cold and rainy and I can’t get my body moving, I’m not backsliding as much.

You can’t change the conditions outside (climate change not withstanding) but you can change how your habits shift to adapt. Amid all the different things I’ve learned while trying to navigate my depression, the need to adapt is probably the biggest. It’s uncomfortable and difficult at first but once you find a path that works for you while also being positive forward momentum it gets a little easier. If you’re still trying to find your route don’t get frustrated, it’s going to take time. One thing, one small step, just take it at your pace.