Tag: dysthymia

Combating Dysthymia Short Game/Long Game

One of the biggest issues I’ve faced in dealing with dysthymia is motivation. Let’s face it when you don’t feel joy from anything being able to put forth focus and dedicate time to something becomes harder and harder to do. This applies to just about everything I do, including my coping mechanisms.

Lately I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus from my target shooting to focus on budget and managing things in my day-to-day life. While this is good in the sense that I’m trying to be responsible, it also meant one outlet for stress wasn’t really there. Normally I’d turn to baking or other small projects (LEGOs, journaling) to help me with focus but that wasn’t really working out. Today however I tried to get back on track and reminded myself of the need for short-turn around rewards, playing the short game. The hardest thing is starting, definitely a truth that anyone struggling with depression or anxiety has to deal with. I found myself getting up thinking “Hey I’ll make a loaf of bread” and then as I’d plan out I realized there was the entire process of having to prep, proof, form, bake, cool and well there went any motivation I had. To try and get out of this pattern I tried to alter my routine slightly so I wouldn’t lose motivation. Normally I brew some coffee in the morning but this means waking up groggy, grinding beans and making a fresh cup of java. This time however I opted to brew some coffee the evening before so that I wouldn’t have to go through the process while I was at my lowest motivation point. Luckily I happen to like iced coffee and cold brew. So here I was at 6AM, fresh-ish cup of coffee in hand. I wouldn’t try to force myself to make a big loaf of something, I set my sights a bit more “down to earth”. I opted to make something which didn’t have to proof or was nearly as involved. A simple drop-scone recipe.

Some iced coffee and a small snack to kick start the morning

The change in my routine kept me a bit on my toes and working on a recipe I hadn’t done before gave it novelty. As I preheated my oven and sipped my coffee I piled together my ingredients on the table and got ready to mix. Once my oven was at temp, in started the mixing. It was simple, quick and something I hadn’t really tried before. No loaf pans, no complex yeast to factor in. After a quick mixing I grabbed a scooper and plopped the dough down and in it went. Twenty minutes later out came the net result. Thankfully the baseline recipe I opted for worked pretty well and now I had some nice strawberry scones to go with my brew. It was a small victory, but one that I needed to keep me going.

Sometimes victories are small, but they keep you moving forward

If you find your drive slipping during a depressive episode or just as a general low, try to take a step back and look at what you can do to switch from items requiring a long commitment to things you can do within your interests or coping tools with a shorter return. It isn’t always easy to find ways to reduce that investment but it can provide that kickstart and inertia to keep you moving forward. Sometimes you have to play the short game to make progress in the long game. It’s never easy but you can make progress.

Bullets and Bread – My Unorthodox Approach To My Mental Health

Dysthymia is a weird beast. In most ways it allows me to function seemingly unaffected by the pull of depression. For most folks I think describing dysthymia as chronic depressive disorder or even high functioning depression gives a better idea of what it does. For me the daily grind is just background noise these days. I rarely feel ‘good’ about the coming days but I don’t necessarily experience the anxiety or dread I did during the lowest point of my depression. CBT, diet shift, increases in activity have helped to bolster me against its effects but obviously it’s an ongoing lifestyle change.

Some of my self-care approaches and coping tools will seem very odd. Most probably won’t work for others but I thought I’d outline them here. I’ve always enjoyed being a target shooter, there’s something about the focus that really works for me. I’m able to get out of my emotions, pull away from the looped thoughts and just focus on the activity at hand. That might not sound like much to some, but getting out of a state of rumination is extremely difficult for me at times. There’s also the old saying that there is no such thing as a bad day at the range. I also enjoy trying my hand here and there at cooking.  Asian, French, Italian and casual American cuisine have all been things I’ve enjoyed making, be it traditional recipes or trying things with a tech slant like sous vide cooking. Being able to have a tangible product at the end of the process is something I still find very fulfilling. The one thing I had never tried however, was baking.

Baking was always my ex-wife’s thing. She enjoyed making desserts and sweets for friends. While I enjoyed the occasional sweet, I was usually more of a savory type of eater. Recently as stress increases at work were weighting on me, I decided to just try blending two things and seeing if the double-dose would help.  So here I was on two extremes of my hobbies. In the early morning I readied my guns, cleaned prepped and packed up. Downing some coffee and a quick breakfast I headed out for some time at the range. My usual target practice concluded, I came home, hopped in the shower and immediately after I dried off, began my trial by fire in baking.

Bread always seemed like a mystery to me. I had tried here and there to use simple batters in things like brownies or cakes but dealing with a yeasted bread was a whole new thing for me. I decided to try out a Hokkaido bread, which seemed easy enough as it didn’t require a lot of intricate activation of the yeast. So here I was, stand mixer, whisks and flour replacing my pistol, protective gear and gunpowder. I found myself second guessing a lot, which I suppose is to be expected. Did I reduce the starter down enough?  Did I over-knead the dough? In the end, after allowing the dough to proof and then the oddly satisfying cutting and portioning out of the dough, I slapped everything into the oven and waited… and waited. Patience has never particularly been one of my strengths but I hoped I hadn’t fouled up anything. The timer finally went off, I opened up the oven and hey… it looked like bread. Waiting to have that little mound of dough cool was probably the most frustrating thing as I could smell the results… which seemed right, but the final test would be tearing into the rolls and seeing if the texture worked.

To my relief it was actually good!  Soft, fluffy and not too-sweet. I had the chance to share my creation with my mother (who is herself an excellent cook) and I was pleasantly surprise that even she approved of my end product. We got to talking about it, things I could try the ‘next time’ I made a loaf.

So here I was, morning to early evening, having gone from bullets to bread. Tired but satisfied and unlike my ‘range days’ where all I had to show were targets with gaping holes, here I had something that you could touch, smell and best of all eat. Everyone’s treatment course for their depression is bound to be unique. For some folks that means a mix of psychotherapy, medication and a mixture of lifestyle changes. For me, it’s been about retraining my thoughts, feeding my body things I was probably neglecting and working through my stressors in ways that were ‘me’ and not destructive. If you’ve followed along with my blog or are finding me for the first time I hope you are able to find your ‘Bullets and Bread’ activity that helps you best.

High Functioning Depression — Signs Considerations

8 Signs You Could Have High Functioning Depression

Depression is a tricky thing to pin down due in no small part to the broad range in diagnosis. Terminology has also shifted over the years (DSM classifications) and even how it’s referred to in casual conversation.

For myself, my diagnosis was classified as dysthymia or more commonly these days persistent depressive disorder. While on the lower side of the spectrum along with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), it’s the persistence that can be most difficult to live with from a day to day basis. Other more intense forms of depression such as postpartum, major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder are often the most stigmatized adding even more difficulty for those who want to seek help.

Another phrase I keep hearing thrown about is high functioning depression as opposed to crippling depression. I almost feel like this is something of a misnomer, as it covers such a wide range of the depression spectrum that it seems silly to me. Do not misunderstand, I’m aware that for people who are battling severe depression it can become crippling and literally prevent you from being employed in a conventional work environment, but I feel like the identifier of ‘high functioning’ gives off the wrong message to people. To me it almost marginalizes depression as something that “is there but doesn’t matter” which in part is one of the reasons why it goes undiagnosed and untreated for many of us. I fell into that trap, I figured I could still do my job well enough despite not feeling much of anything (anhedonia) and my isolation and anxiety I just attributed to getting older and being something of a curmudgeon. Friends I’ve talked to often miss the fact that depression isn’t static, it isn’t that you are diagnosed as bi polar and that’s all you ever are, or that having mild SAD or dysthymia means you’re just sort of “feeling the blues”. It’s hard for folks to fathom that triggering events, stressors can tip the scales from mild depression into a full major depressive episode. Once that happens it can be a very high risk time for someone, this is where people ‘snap’ or find themselves spiral so far that suicide becomes a consideration. The best option is to head off the problem before it becomes that severe where possible.

The warning signs are something to be aware of, especially to employers I think, but if you see anything of yourself in these symptoms, I do urge you to get a diagnosis and see about making changes in your life, your prescriptions or just starting the process by talking to someone.