Been away from the blogsphere for a while, mostly trying to focus on myself and trying to improve my life situation. Of course I’ve still tried to keep up where I can on other depression blogs and news (ugh) where able. One item that I happened to come across hit a bit close to home.
IG @annaakana
Anna Akana was one of the first YouTubers I watched as I was beginning to wrap my head around depression. Her posts were approachable, tinged with humor and felt like they came from a good place. I had heard similar language from my ex-wife during our vows and I guess the depressed side of me really started to ruminate about the whole thing. I’ve never liked the idea of men today having to live up to a white knight image. I’m flawed in many ways, as anyone is as trying to compare myself to that sort of ideal feels futile and self defeating. While at the time it was a sweet gesture for my then fiance to think of me as a knight, in retrospect I now began wondering if I was in fact just a tinfoil knight. This train of thought got me thinking about role models and how over time I simply stopped believing in them. It isn’t that I don’t think there’s good people out there, but I realize short of some miracle of omniscience, you can never truly know everything about someone. Everything we do is based on perception. Having said that though there’s still people I enjoy hearing good news about.
Case in point, Keanu Reeves.
Still image John Wick 3
As someone with an interest in competitive shooting, I was honestly floored to see how much Keanu dedicated himself to the role of John Wick with his martial arts training and what I can only imagines were weeks if not months of intense training with Taran Butler (https://tarantacticalinnovations.com/) I had always read small news bits here and there about some of the tragic history he himself has seen. In comparison I always felt like my challenges were a bit mundane. Through all of it though I saw someone who was a rarity in Hollywood. A person who seemed very much to be grounded and humble and a good person on and off camera. While I have joked on social media that John Wick is my spirit guide, the reality is Keanu himself serves as the better reminder that you can overcome darkness without losing yourself to it.
Role models are a tricky thing. Especially with the way we glorify celebrity. I’d like to think that I take from certain people the best lessons I can. Be it a YouTuber and advocate like Anna Akana, a humble and dedicated action star like Keanu or even just the random people I see committing acts of kindness on the street. I don’t think I’d ever consider myself a role model. That kinda pressure isn’t for me, but perhaps in some small way I’ve at least been a reminder to someone out there that even amid depression and adversity you can try to keep moving forward. So maybe I’m not a knight, tinfoil or otherwise. Maybe in some ways I’m just a fallen paladin. The thing about falling down though? You can get back up and keep moving forward.
My ex-wife liked to believe that spouses should be evenly yoked. Three years out from our divorce and I’ve realized that I don’t ascribe to the same viewpoint. Living with clinical depression poses a number of problems to such thinking and in retrospect gave me a different perspective as to why my marriage failed.
One of the biggest fears anyone within the depression spectrum faces is feeling like a burden. In a relationship, be it dating or marriage you worry about dragging your partner down. In the view of being yoked you cease to keep pace with your partner. Eventually that can harm a relationship. In many ways I feel like that’s what happened to me. Eventually my spouse could no longer be happy with a sense that as I was no longer at her pace and I was in fact no longer a benefit while yoked. I think for her I was constantly dragging her down, be it intentional or not. I don’t fault her choice in ending the marriage. I don’t think I was a particularly easy person to live with during the last two years we were wed.
I’ve come to view a different type of relationship, particularly for people suffering from depression. Two beasts of burden joined at the neck isn’t the metaphor that I believe works. Instead it’s a pack, like sled dogs. I know, initially this sounds like the exact same thing right? There’s a subtle difference. With dog sleds it isn’t necessarily that they are paired and side by side, they are grouped by a role that complements the others. There’s the lead dogs, the swing dogs, the team dogs and wheel dogs. The lead dog keeps the whole group on path, the swing dogs help turn, the team dogs carry the main burden of sustaining speed while the wheel dogs bear the weight and the initial forward movement. Here’s the thing with this metaphor though. At times the lead dog changes depending on the conditions. They work as a pack together. (Sled dogs positions) Thinking this way I feel is more true to the fluid needs of a relationship.
Living with a significant other battling depression has similarities. There are times they may lead, while in other circumstances they’ll be just trying to bear the load and maintain. When things are different they may be a swing dog following their partner’s lead instead. Yet other times perhaps they’ll be at the back, just helping to get forward momentum going. The metaphor isn’t perfect, I’ll grant that. Real life is far from a linear thing, and partners won’t always be moving in the same direction, but I think the idea of changing positions and roles to suite the conditions is a more encompassing representation than the yoked pair that my ex reference.
I suppose it’s ironic then that one of the morale patches I keep on my shooting gear is one of a lone wolf. Where I am today, I have no pack, but I still try to get out there. Someday maybe someone will want to run with me, but until then, all I can do is move forward in my own way.
An ex-gf of mine really loved Four Weddings and a Funeral and to be fair it was a good film. Aside from borrowing the title a bit though my blog post has nothing to do w/the British comedy. Instead it has to be with an actual wedding and an actual funeral. I haven’t posted much, due in no small part to well just nothing really happening that I felt merited a blog. I’ve had some time to process a few things however and thought I’d share some experiences I’ve had at late and how I had to work through them. I apologize for the length of this blog post in advance.
First up, loss and where the funeral part of this blog comes into play. In the last year, year and a half or so, I found what is clearly a dangerous but effective activity for me *hand waving again this works for me I don’t recommend it for everyone*. Target shooting, and competitive shooting has strangely been something I’ve been able to sink my teeth into. It’s gotten me back into communicating with others and out of the house more. One of the individuals I met was a member of law enforcement and a very good shooter. I’ll call him J for the sake of this blog. At the age of twenty-six J’s life was cut short, just a few weeks before we were to resume our local league night. I’m no stranger to loss, through my employer I was connected to one of the largest work place shootings in the US. It changed how workplace security was looked at and made me doubly nervous as I got back into hunting and target shooting. While I had only known J through our mutual interest in competitive shooting he was always full of energy, smiles and laughter. I came to find out that a coworker of mine was very close with J’s family and together we attended his services. It was surreal to be there. Seeing him and saying my goodbyes I thought back to when I was twenty six still trying to figure things out. Knowing my own depression I had to be increasingly vigilant to monitor myself and take care of myself. I cut out any form of drinking and tried eating as healthy as I could. Very little sugar, reduced starch, things that would be escapes and comfort foods to make sure that I wasn’t starting on a downward spiral. Eventually after making my peace with it, I found myself back on the shooting line, a photo of J placed in memoriam watching over us. Our first league night was dedicated to his memory and as part of that I wanted to do as well as I could to honor both a LEO and fellow competitor.
A close friend and fellow blogger who attended my wedding so many years ago announced she was engaged. She was set to marry in April, ironically right around the time that marked the anniversary of my divorce. We’ll just call her C. C was mutual friends with both my ex-wife and the guy she left me for. Both would be in attendance at her wedding. My knee jerk reaction was to graciously decline the invite to attend but C had remained my friend amid my divorce and knowing both her and her fiancé I wanted to do what I could. By the time the invitations came out I knew that while I wanted to attend the ceremony the prospect of seeing my ex and her new boyfriend wasn’t something I felt I was going to be able to handle well. A bit of back and forth and I let C know that while I felt tremendously honored to be invited that I wouldn’t be there for the reception. In the back of my head I could hear depression, anxiety and doubt saying all the things I expected them to. Coward, loser, why even go if you won’t stay for the celebration? I had to look in the mirror and really gauge where my balance point was. I was truly so very happy for C and her fiancé but I also knew that I was in no mental shape to try and fake a smile amid old friends, strangers and my ex. It was a compromise to be sure. Between my own mental health and my desire to wish only the best for a friend who had stood by me. Attend I did, arriving early to scope the scene. While I had hoped to be in better shape, I at least felt OK in how I appeared. Going in I knew I’d have to see old former friends and strangers. I greeted those I knew, a few opted not to greet me or acknowledge me. I expected that. As my ex, her new boyfriend and the guy she left me for (man is there a better word for that?) arrived I gave them all a wide berth. I could make out a look of ‘oh great he’s here’ as my ex neared the ceremony site and caught wind of me. As I was amid a group of our mutual friends I stepped away, silently. I let her say her hellos and I positioned myself on the edges of the observing crowd. It was a beautiful ceremony, one that definitely showcased both of them. As the ceremony concluded and we were ushered to the reception space I knew it was my time to go. I bumped into a few of the mutual friends and said my goodbyes. I think a few them understood why I couldn’t be there, others were more shocked that I’d be there only to leave before the real celebration even began. It was a conscious choice. I’ve never really been the partying type and with my ex and various other folks in attendance, there was no way I would be anything close to agreeable. It’s my baggage to deal with. I doubt my presence affected my ex in way other than initial annoyance. It was C’s day, their big moment. I wasn’t about to cast a shadow over things. As I drove home from the venue I assured myself I had made a choice that was best for me. I messaged the new bride my well wishes and sent a few notes to the overlapping friends that I had to depart.
In both cases, J’s funeral, C’s wedding I was painfully reminded of how depression affects your perception of social interaction. At the funeral I felt like there was so much I should have been able to say but couldn’t. I was a stranger among a sea of strangers. At the wedding I felt I had nothing to say. Nothing to say to past friends, nothing to say to my ex and only a few fleeting words to say to the bride and groom. In the end I was glad to have attended both events, but I felt almost eerily disconnected from them. I was tremendously happy for C and her husband even if I couldn’t be happy with them in celebration. Depression takes away so many things from us, anxiety strips away the joy and anticipation about meeting people. Struggling with both to me has become a balancing act. Finding the motivation to push through my anxiety to keep contact with friends and family while tempering it with not being insincere or trying to act purely for the benefit of others. I try to remain honest with my mood and expressions, good or bad. If you find yourself in similar situations remember that while trying is definitely a huge first step, watch for yourself as well. Do not sacrifice your mental health to try and appease anyone else. Friends, true ones, will understand the effort and respect your choices. Should you happen upon this C, thank you for everything.
Even amid my own anxiety and holding back depression I managed to at least find something interesting a mother and her duckling.
Now depression related humor is always a delicate thing, but it’s often rooted in painful truths. This particular find on Tumblr summed up a very real scenario for a lot of people.
With my dysthymia I’ve found that I’m basically as depressed during the winter months as I am in summer months. I suppose in some ways I’ve been the opposite. With colder weather I don’t feel as guilty about staying in and giving myself a few hours more of comforter time.
We always look for what the root causes are for depression. Be it purely external and situational things or internal matters. Sometimes it’s simple, a decrease in Vitamin D, other times it’s far more multilayered (requiring medication). I know it’s easy to get frustrated when your progress stalls in treatment. As we enter into spring, I genuinely hope that for anyone suffering from seasonal affective disorder (SAD)/seasonal depression, you’re finding things lifting. For anyone who is struggling with ‘regular’ depression I hope your treatment course is still consistent and you’re taking the seasonal transition OK. This is where my own triggers tend to come up. For me my divorce took place in April, a time when I think most people are looking forward to warmer weather and color. Happier people around me usually puts me into a state where I want to isolate further. I don’t begrudge others their happiness, instead I get a sense of not fitting in among them. It’s a distorted view, one that I continue to work on and forced myself through in gradual stages.
Whatever form of depression you are dealing with today, keep current on your treatment options. Look for more and more coping tools to try and gauge. Most importantly, I wish you well in your journey.
Anna Akana was one of the first YouTubers that I actually began following when I first had my depression diagnosis. She was very frank and honest about her difference experiences and her advice, almost always punctuated with humor was easy for me to access.
It sounds so easy to simply say “Don’t think about your ex” but in a world of social media that’s actually harder than it is. Anna’s advice is on point here but I thought I’d expand upon it. During the start of my divorce there were certainly those feelings that I wanted to know what was going on as my ex and I were preparing to end our marriage. I realized that just having my social media profile meant having connections to her, the guy she was seeing and our old circle of friends. I had to make the blunt choice to simply get rid of all my social media and change how I used any form of it. Gone were my FB, my Google+ accounts, Twitter and the like. Eventually I found myself with just two main types of social media accounts, a Reddit to read up about subjects I still had an interest in, and Instagram. Unlike my FB days though my IG was private and mostly used to track news, products or things relating to my growing interest in target shooting.
Over time though I realized that creating a more isolated social media presence had also helped me to make the break from my ex-wife. I wasn’t tempted to login to social media and see what was going on. Her life was hers and mine was mine. Rebuilding could go on for both of us and neither of us had any reason to know what was going on in the other’s life. These days while I sometimes miss being ‘in the know’ with some of my friends (hrm maybe friends is a stretch) I find that it’s forced me to do one of the things I hate. I have to actual be social and engage in conversation. It seems silly to think of that as something novel but the reality is I don’t passively observe in people’s lives these days. I have to go out of my way to see how they are. In some cases it’s helpful, there’s a subset of my old circles that genuinely do enjoy telling me about the goings on of their lives. Then again I suspect for some people it’s frustrating that I’m not “aware of what’s going on in XYZ’s life”.
Getting over an ex, be it boyfriend/girlfriend or worse, an ex-spouse takes time. You can go about it in any number of ways but knowing how to avoid the social media trap and letting them have their life is a big first step. If you’re having a hard time with it, considering deactivating your accounts for a short time or learning to filter content to avoid triggering painful memories. You can get through it, it won’t be fun, but it can be made easier.
Well OK that isn’t a particularly uplifting title but for me it’s been nearly three years since my divorce and my formal diagnosis of clinical depression. Some things have changed, some haven’t. There are still matters relating to the divorce that I need to attend to but mental health and my therapy course has made at least moderate progress.
I continue to work on my diet, exercise and CBT and for the most part, though I am not ‘joyful’ in any sense of the word, I am less prone to major dips in my mood. Essentially flatlined emotionally I’ve been more attentive to my mood shifts and adjusting my patterns as needed. I took up target shooting which has helped my focus (granted it is a somewhat dangerous combination). Began baking as something outside of my comfort zone with perhaps some mixed results (diet + baking is not a fun balance). I began this blog which I hope has reminded random readers that depression and recovery are a lengthy journey and one that takes patience. I know for a lot of bloggers the idea that I actually don’t go out of my way to promote my blog might seem weird. Really though this blog is less about getting followers and more about having a cathartic option for myself which if it coincidentally helps someone looking for information about depression, all the better.
I have a definite love hate thing with food. Like many folks battling depression, food for me often becomes an escape mechanism. It’s a tricky balance for me though as cooking has also been one of my forms of stress relief. I do genuinely enjoy sharing what I make and there’s a thin line between making a bunch of baked goods and not eating them all myself. As I’m terrible at gift giving, I wound up making multiple batches of cinnamon buns for friends at work and at the range.
With a more properly outfitted shooting rig, I am also trying to be somewhat more social and getting out of the house to do target shooting. I can imagine most mental health care professionals would cringe but I don’t keep ammunition readily available and agreed to safe-keep my weapons in the event my mental health declines.
Drop offset holster for competition shooting.
Perhaps trying to kindle my inner child though, I’ve also taken to LEGOs. Yes this sounds weird but I think being able to sit down and slowly build something provides a similar focus and my gun interests. I am able to see a result in a short order which prevents me from getting too frustrated and giving up too soon.
Everyone has a different treatment option, depression is such a wide spectrum with so many root causes and potential ways to mitigate them that I’d never claim to be expert. I can only share what works for me. If you’re starting off the new year and finding motivation is hard or consistency is not coming naturally. Look at some alternative options, maybe things that are just a little outside of the comfort zone or just variations on the things you’ve done. Novelty has its uses and you never know you may just find something you can become passionate about. Go at your pace, reach out to health care professionals, just remember it’s a long road but you got this.
Throughout this blog I’ve usually spoken about dysthymia which is my principle diagnosis. Lately though I have monitored my own mood and worry that perhaps subtle elements of SAD are impacting me more than I’d like to admit.
Generally speaking I’ve never been particular up or down during the holidays. Cooler weather certainly is preferable to me, but this season seems a bit more blue than normal. Perhaps it is due to work stress, or the news and general state of the world. The longer nights certainly haven’t helped me feel productive. Though I still try to get out and enjoy my few hobbies (target shooting, baking) I do feel like my activity level is still too low to really have a positive impact on my overall fitness.
October through April if I’m being honest are the hardest months for me. Beyond SAD those months also represent the process of finding out my then wife was seeking out someone else and our subsequent divorce. As such letting my mind become idle usually results in a few unpleasant flashes of memory. Pushing them aside is never easy but I suppose I’m more used to it and able to disconnect from going down that path quicker than I used it.
I’ve looked into light therapy and try to keep myself surrounded by more positive imagery (pet IG’s, more uplifting shows) I avoid things that are trigger sources (romances, excessive consumption of news, politics). I’m hoping that by this time next year I’m in a better position to move forward but we’ll see. Hopefully some day, the holidays will just be the holidays and not a time for me to be on my guard.
Halloween is an interesting holiday that has of course kids who love it for the sweets and adults who revel in being someone else for a day. For me though Halloween is not a time I find happiness in. My ex-wife loved it and for a time I enjoyed it. Following the divorce though I realized how little I actually felt towards the celebration.
I don’t begrudge children their fun, far from it. I think the idea of a fright but feeling safe is an important thing for kids to experience. For me it is the idea of masks that I have an uncomfortable relationship with. Anyone battling depression has probably in some small way felt a bit like going out into the world and being around others we are always wearing a mask. We pretend to be OK, the trick we give everyone is convincing them we aren’t hurting on the inside. May sound a bit dramatic to frame it that way but the reality is I wear a mask every day. I’ve learned to be slightly more open with my depression, I don’t pretend to be happy when asked and I’m probably painfully blunt when I am feeling low. My coping mechanisms may not fit everyone’s norm but I mix my activities (target shooting, baking) with more conventional treatments (CBT, fitness, diet). I continue to fight self-isolation and I try to find my release valves where I can.
It’s definitely easy to fall into negative habits in holidays like this. Isolation, sweets everywhere are a quick escape. While I don’t have as much of a sweet tooth, I do prefer to shy away from crowds and I loathe holiday traffic. Still though I try to reach out to my friends abroad and email my well wishes. I still have friends who enjoy cosplay and of course Halloween is for them a time to show their skills, but I can’t smile with them anymore. I see people in costume and while I may see craftsmanship or creativity, there’s no joy in it for me as a spectator. So here I sit pondering what I will do, what mask do I put on as I try to navigate around crowds of people trying to be whatever their imagination desires? If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety or any form of mental illness, I know it’s hard to know just how to act when for others it’s a time of celebration. Find your own path with it. For me, I may hit the range and wrap my day with a good book or maybe even a simple Halloween movie like It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
Shortly after my divorce one of the first things I did was shut off social media. Besides the usual barrage of questions I realized that most of my circle were really tied to my ex-wife and the stress of contact was too much for me to deal with.
As I’ve slowly reached back out to some of the people I felt close to I realized that there’s a trend towards quantity of friends versus the caliber of friends. As a target shooter I prefer using caliber than quality, so bear with me. Social media conceptually is a neat idea, I get that. Reconnecting, staying informed about distant friends is all well and good. Somewhere down the line though social media shifted and it became more about the idea of followers or a sense of external validation. Just about every social media structure is about who liked your post or how many re-shares or views you garnered. That’s never appealed to me. The idea that a post is worthy or unworthy of attention or comment has always seemed weird. While these days my social media foot print is extremely small and very curated. I’d like to think that now in my forties I’ve come to believe that it’s the degree of closeness with my circle that’s been more important.
Caliber of friends, not quantity matters more to me. It’s one thing to have 20 friends give you a one word “Nice” to a post and quite a different thing to have someone talk to you about what you wrote or what you re-shared. We’ve lost a bit of that in the social networking world of today. It’s rather ironic for me as I work in a tech related field. When it comes to friendships however even a two sentence followup to me feels better than having any actual number of likes. Don’t get me wrong, in Reddit i almost never down vote anything. If something is genuinely interesting and I think someone else might want to see it, I’ll up vote. Call me karma indiscriminate if you want but if that up vote makes someone else that I don’t know happy, then hey what’s the harm.
Navigating any social networking space with depression feels like a game of minesweeper. There was a time that I enjoyed reading about anime, photography etc, then I realized those environments would trigger negative thinking and memories of my married life. Things I had no want to revisit. These days I don’t think of just random people who engage me online as ‘friends’, they are contacts, acquaintances . Like minded they may be but we don’t have any deeper degree of interaction. This change in how I treat the online community has made a world of difference for me. I choose to engage people and it lets me focus on the content and sincerity of the conversations.
Life is hard enough juggling mental health in any form. While the online world can be a useful resource and sometimes an escape hatch, it’s also full of potential hazards. Finding an efficient way to navigate it will always be a challenge. If you’re finding those types of communities are pushing you into a dark place, take that step back, look at filtering the information you subject yourself to. Here’s hoping you are able to find a good corner of the net to call your own.
I first learned of Katie Joy through a photography series she did, My Anxious Heart, visualizing depression. In many ways her initial post is what gave me the nudge to begin blogging my own “The Long Road” story.
One of the most difficult parts to depression is finding the drive to take care of yourself. That sounds trivial at first but the harsh reality is during the worst of it, you don’t feel any self-worth, doing every day tasks to keep your hygiene going drop off. If living ceases to be enjoyable why bother doing the things needed of life right? It’s a painful and stealthy downward spiral. Katie is well spoken and very candid. I recommend giving her blog a once over.
