Blogging-Slice Of Life – Page 17 – Vraxx

World Photography Day — When The Motivation is Gone

I guess everything has a day these days and apparently it’s World Photography day.

There was a time I would have enjoyed this and tried to shoot something but if I’m being fully honest there’s no motivation for me to pick up any of my glass. The loss of my passion for the things I used to enjoy, photography chief among, them has been one of the most painful things I’ve come to understand about my depression.

While I’ve had up/down moments where I’ve been able to use my photography as a therapeutic element I’ll be honest this week at least hasn’t been one of them. I may try to force myself to shoot some footage this weekend but this week I’ve had the hardest time keeping focus. Just have to keep trying, good or bad.

Thank You Captain Obvious…

http://gizmodo.com/an-algorithm-can-tell-if-youre-depressed-just-by-lookin-1785529915

As a colorblind photographer I had to roll my eyes at this one. While I’m sure there may be a bias towards certain filters I found some of the conclusions to be a little insulting. I’ve shot black and while and used filters that tend towards that both before and during my depression. On the other hand I’ve used brighter,might contrast stuff while in the worst of my depression.

While certainly darker tones and colors are common in subjects that depict depression or sadness I don’t feel like you can identify it through an algorithm.

Routine and Rut

Something that’s occasionally hard to describe about depression is the feeling of life being one big loop. Had Nine Inch Nails’ track Every Day Is Exactly the Same playing in the back of my mind for a while lately. Guess the routine and motivational issues I’ve had this week have been particularly difficult.

Trying to adjust my diet a bit with more fruits and vitamin C as I feel I haven’t gotten much in the way of sunlight and exercise. Even as I start off this 3-day weekend (Yay Admissions Day) I realize even my days off are sort of a basic routine of run errands, clean and try to work on coping tools. Hopefully besides this blog and other side projects I can occasionally change things up more going forward.

A Little Positive News About People Helping One Another

Negative news predominates so much of media out there but there are at times positive moments that should be more recognized. The story of US runner Abbey D’Agostino and New Zealander Nikki Hamblin. After a stumble and collision both athletes could have simply stopped and accepted they wouldn’t advance. D’Agostino urged Hamblin to get up and finish her run.

http://deadspin.com/no-youre-genuinely-moved-by-this-display-of-olympic-sp-1785345875

After realizing she herself was injured D’Agostino slowly made her way to the finish with Hamblin waiting there and calling for medical staff. On the world’s greatest stage, where the competition can be cut throat, it was great to see camaraderie.

Just One of Those Weeks

One of the difficult things with depression, least for me is the up/down day to day, week to week. There are some days where my motivation hits the floor. I don’t want to move around, I don’t have any focus on my work or home life.

Usually this is where I get that feeling my life is in a rut and my patterns are part of the painful cycle of depression. I’ve tried to use some of my general activities like my morning coffee routine, a classic shave or this blog.

Friends keep me grounded, as do the various online support groups I try to pop into. It isn’t easy, survival never is.

The Ups/Downs of PC Tinkering

My first birthday post divorce was pretty rough. I really didn’t want “things” and time with friends was far more meaningful for me. Of course the circle of friends I still maintain did great by me and got me gifts that were useful and well thought out.

For myself however I initially didn’t get anything. I had thought about a laptop but those plans weren’t that great. In the end an on the whim purchase did come to me and honestly it was a ridiculous one. Asus STRIX 1080GTX OC edition. A high end video card in a bracket that in the past I would have deemed stupidly expensive. But you only get a few birthdays and I needed a pick me up.

The part arrived today and I got a chance to benchmark it. The programmer and overall hardware geek in me was just stupidly happy. In the end it is complete overkill. I only ever really make use of the video card for gaming and when doing photo editing (CUDA cores can help with video and photoshop performance). Beyond that it’s just power waiting on standby. Still there is a sense of self-fulfillment when one realizes something you put together is running and running well. While it might be gloried retail therapy for now I am very pleased with my choice of splurge items and hopefully it proves to be something that lasts a good long while.

Rough News Weekend

I’ve made mention in past posts about the impact of news on depression. This week’s been a weird up and down. I take a bit of pride and happiness in seeing the occasional Olympic news. Some of the stories of athletes are simply amazing. Besides insanely gifted stand outs like Michael Phelps there’s stories like the 41 year old gold medalist from Vietnam (Hoang Xuan Vinh). Seeing some forget about national discord and just being competitors (North and South Korean Olympic shooters shaking hands). Sadly though in the news just recently is also a lot of violence.

It pains me to think that at a time when our athletes are presented before the world and trying to show a sense of unity and camaraderie that right here in the states we have riots and yet more shooting violence. I’m opting not to link to those articles. Every morning I go through the news I’ve got to make that selective choice about what to read and what to pass. It affects me less when I don’t give in the morbidity and read upon the negative articles. Sometimes I’ve found it’s easier to read up on such things mid-day when my mood is better rather than first thing in the morning or before bed (where I start to dwell on things).

I’m hoping that at least over the next few days the news balance tips towards the positive more than the violent.

Home on the Gun Range (Serious topic)

So perhaps one of the weird things about my life is that ‘shooting’ has played a part in one form another. Most of my shooting has been behind a lens, but I am equally comfortable behind a scope as well.

I was very hesitant to get back behind the sights given my depression but I’ve monitored myself heavily and previously only gone to the range with friends. This time was a first however flying solo and the first real test of my long rifle (Remington 700 in .308). Luckily for me the folks at X-Ring Security in Waipahu have an indoor range (25 yard backstop) which can accommodate .308 Win.

It’s been almost 20 years since I fired a long rifle with an optic but I would be remiss if I didn’t say that squeezing off 20 rounds down range felt somehow very comforting. Maybe it’s because 20 years ago my life was very different, or that I felt I was stronger and more willing to take risks.

I didn’t stay long, lanes were pretty busy and I could tell from the targets and the conversations that I was surrounded by novice shooters. There was still a bit of fear being among a crowd. Anxiety got the better of me a bit but focusing on my training and gun safety kept me from getting too frazzled.

While I don’t know how aggressively I’ll pursue my other shooting hobby it does feel good to know that I haven’t lost too much of my fundamentals. Now to get back out to the outdoor range and properly sight my scopes.

Depression and the 365 Photo Projects (Self Reflection)

It’s not often that I think back about too many of the unfinished projects I’ve had but one stuck out with me. Like a lot of folks, the idea of a 365 photo a day project was interesting but it wasn’t until I started taking a few that I realized my life was pretty isolated. It wasn’t that there weren’t people in my life. There was my now ex-wife, family, our dog. No, it was more a self imposed isolation, or perhaps isolation of heart would be a more apt description.

Hadn’t really thought about how ever day, every shot started to remind me that my days were a loop. When Monday, and Saturday all look and feel the same you start to question what’s the point to the things you do. Depression creeps into your life in strange and painful ways and unfortunately that project, left incomplete by likely 200 days was a subtle peek at my depression that I recognized too late. Hindsight is 20-20 though and here I am now looking back on that project and seeing not my former artistic eye but a painful trail of things not so positive.

I doubt I’ll ever get into projects like that again, ones drive by popularity and trends. I used the phrase “my heart’s just not in it” a lot towards the end of my marriage. Here on out I need to try to find those things that my heart is in. Even if the projects are painful, long and never get seen.

Just one of those days

Most days for me are a battle between fighting my anxiety and depression and just trying to do right by my job, my budget etc. Today was one of those days where I just felt like work was one disappointing thing after another.

It’s often hard when you have a high pressure job and are often behind the 8-ball. I’ve tried to find ways to reduce my hypertension and other work related health concerns but it’s certainly an uphill battle. One odd thing I noticed and I can’t find any real correlation, I feel like days where I have iced coffee to start my day are a little better than days where I have a larger brewed up. Might just because I use less actual coffee in the iced and it’s a bit easier on the nerves.

There’s thankfully a long weekend coming up and a friend from high school that I’ll be seeing for a bit. Hopefully that helps with the ongoing items in work and stress.