Halloween is an interesting holiday that has of course kids who love it for the sweets and adults who revel in being someone else for a day. For me though Halloween is not a time I find happiness in. My ex-wife loved it and for a time I enjoyed it. Following the divorce though I realized how little I actually felt towards the celebration.
I don’t begrudge children their fun, far from it. I think the idea of a fright but feeling safe is an important thing for kids to experience. For me it is the idea of masks that I have an uncomfortable relationship with. Anyone battling depression has probably in some small way felt a bit like going out into the world and being around others we are always wearing a mask. We pretend to be OK, the trick we give everyone is convincing them we aren’t hurting on the inside. May sound a bit dramatic to frame it that way but the reality is I wear a mask every day. I’ve learned to be slightly more open with my depression, I don’t pretend to be happy when asked and I’m probably painfully blunt when I am feeling low. My coping mechanisms may not fit everyone’s norm but I mix my activities (target shooting, baking) with more conventional treatments (CBT, fitness, diet). I continue to fight self-isolation and I try to find my release valves where I can.
It’s definitely easy to fall into negative habits in holidays like this. Isolation, sweets everywhere are a quick escape. While I don’t have as much of a sweet tooth, I do prefer to shy away from crowds and I loathe holiday traffic. Still though I try to reach out to my friends abroad and email my well wishes. I still have friends who enjoy cosplay and of course Halloween is for them a time to show their skills, but I can’t smile with them anymore. I see people in costume and while I may see craftsmanship or creativity, there’s no joy in it for me as a spectator. So here I sit pondering what I will do, what mask do I put on as I try to navigate around crowds of people trying to be whatever their imagination desires? If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety or any form of mental illness, I know it’s hard to know just how to act when for others it’s a time of celebration. Find your own path with it. For me, I may hit the range and wrap my day with a good book or maybe even a simple Halloween movie like It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
