Perhaps the hardest thing I’ve had to adjust to in my depression has been the sensation of a loss of identity. There’s several articles that you can browse online on the subject but the core of it is that as depression affects you your sense of self disappears.
It was something that my ex-wife vocalized; painfully so; that she was shocked at how I could be in my 30’s and not know who I was. It’s difficult for folks who haven’t experienced a serious degree of depression or felt their identity become dependent upon someone else. For me I used to define myself by my interests, my skills, my own sense of right/wrong. Over time through my marriage as depression weighed on me more, I lost a lot of the fire I had in the things that made me, me.
Recovering has been a slow process, not an easy one by any stretch. Waking every morning and looking in the mirror trying to understand the person looking back at you can be unsettling. In some ways I’ve felt like I’ve regressed to the person I was in my college days. A man alone, vulnerable, angry and full of negative emotions. I’ve taken to activities that I can still sink my teeth into but I’ve had to give up those things which remind me of my married life. Instead of art, I’ve gone from shooting things with a camera to shooting at a gun range. The focus and discipline of shooting (an activity I enjoyed in my youth) has helped me block out negativity and since I’m able to see gradual improvement gives me something to strive for.
Everyone’s path to finding themselves is different, there’s no one-size-fits all answer. I wish there were, it would make the process so much more linear but it isn’t. Each day all I can hope is that I find a little bit more of myself and maybe then I can look back on these less happy moments as stepping stones.
