The weekend is not my favorite time of the week. My motivation to leave the house some days is stifling. I try to counter act my anxiety I’ve often taken to mini-missions. Specific goals or objectives that I have to meet in order drag myself out of the home. Going out for myself, or for the sake of myself isn’t quite there yet but I try to do something a bit more social in little doses.
Today I found myself trying to brave the crowds of a coffee and chocolate farmers market. To be entirely honest though there was next to no chocolate… Which is fine, I’m allergic anyway. I was reminded how much I dislike crowds and bumping through a mass of bodies. I found a few odds and ends for friends and made my way to Magnolia Cafe situated in Ala Moana, our largest open air mall. Eating alone post-divorce is still strange and uncomfortable but I muscle through.
Watching families smile and laugh and admittedly argue is strange. Some times I smirk or smile, as I’ve always tried to maintain a happier face around kids. Other times inside I feel like I’m not here. Like the world is around me and I’m in a little bubble. So I sit, read or blog and try to remind myself that all the noises, sights and sounds are something I have work my way through.
Asking for a “table for one” still feels painful but I know I have to get used to it. I guess I don’t quite look like I belong here and was asked if I was visiting from the mainland. I jokingly said yes, that I was here from Berkeley. A half truth I suppose but a better alternative than “No, I just don’t belong here random stranger”. Still I appreciated someone trying to make casual conversation. Just have to remind myself to switch off the snide side of myself more.
Between babies crying and the clang of the kitchen I find myself thinking about what it means to be out and about in the world. I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about it, but I know it’s something I have to work at. So here’s the meekend, be it ever so humble.
