Been rather quiet for the last few months, but because of anything bad but certainly several items relating to my divorce that are finally closed but were stressing me out for some time.
I mostly created this blog just as an outlet when I couldn’t seem to get things out of my head. Over time I realized I wanted to try focusing on those elements of mental health that can be the most daunting to start in on. Eventually I realized that as someone with dysthymia little changed day to day and I worried that there were few ‘new’ messages I had in me to try and share/educate others. I’m hoping to create more generalized daily notes about the ups/downs of living with dysthymia, things I’ve found that work for me, things I’ve seen in the news etc.
With the last major asset from my divorce done, my ex-wife now has the things she wanted and I am no longer liable in the event of something occurring with her. There’s a part of me that’s glad it’s all over but almost as much there is a fearful part of me. I had braced and worried about having to take this to a long legal battle for so long that the heightened anxiety had become a baseline. With that no longer in effect I find myself questioning a lot. The real rebuilding begins now for me. I need to make sure that all my financial matters start to line up so I can try to get back on better footing. Not really sure what changes are going to be in store for me but at least I no longer have to worry about someone else’s life impacting mine in an unexpected way. Hopefully she and I never have to cross paths again, but I do not wish her any ills. It’s just done, whatever connections we had are severed.
The only other mental health item I’ve been mulling over a lot lately is how my ability to communicate with friends has certainly shifted. I don’t think I do well with small talk anymore and I am often keenly aware that I am self-censoring a lot. I make an effort to not say the negative things that come off the cuff because for most people that makes it hard to be around me. If there’s one downside to that though it’s that I perpetually feel like I can’t be 100% me around even former friends. Suppose that’s one reason why there’s safe-spaces like therapists.