There was a time not so long ago that my geek flag would fly true. I’m a sci-fi/comics fan primarily but I also enjoyed anime too. I’d volunteered at the local conventions and helped out as a photographer. It was in fact how I met my future ex wife. Flash forward to today and the idea of going to a convention is the last thing on my mind.
The last few years my fandom had waned considerably as I found myself undiagnosed and going through a depressive episode. My heart wasn’t in anything, photography, comics/sci-fi none of it felt like something I was able to get into heavily. At the time; like anyone would; I attributed it to a basic case of the blues or work stress or just getting older. I ignored the growing symptoms of depression and it cost me dearly. Now a year after my divorce I look back and wonder what changes I could have made but realize that I shouldn’t dwell on those things I can’t change.
Today I look at the fandom and I generally don’t feel like I belong there. Beyond the fact my ex and her boyfriend are part of that community, I myself don’t feel like I have my heart in it. I’ve tried to focus on activities where I still feel a challenge and something that keeps me trying to improve. Marksmanship has been one such activity, perhaps because it blends physical and mental sharpness and there’s a very visceral aspect of shooting that appeals to me. While I sometimes try to revisit sci-fi/comics and anime my interest is definitely tempered. I’ve learned when to disconnect more to focus on my real world and not entertainment. Fighting anhedonia has been one of the weirdest things but I continue to try and find methods to deal with the sense that there’s no “fire” in much of what I do. Certainly is not easy but I’m more acutely aware of when those feelings are running rampant and try to get out of the negative thinking and rumination that goes along with it.
