Halloween is a weird double edge for me. My anxiety always made it a bit of a tricky balance but I found ways to cope. This Halloween will be very different. My ex wife loved Halloween. It was an important time for her as she loved cosplay and costuming. These days I see it as a subtle reminder of how depression is.
Depression is like being in costume at times. We smile, we go out, we try to convince everybody we’re having a good time. It’s a mask, one we’ve put on for the benefit of others and to feel socially acceptable. When we return to our homes instead of troves of candy to pick through we find ourselves self-reflecting in sometimes painful negative thought loops. I doubt I will go out, if at all, this Halloween. Too tired of my mask, too exhausted from the loops.
Over time I hope that going out becomes just that. It’s me as I am, plain faced and me. For now it will continue to be a mixture of masks and illusions.
