One of the hardest things for me has been how work/weekends changed. There was a time where I would slog through the work week and was grateful for the quiet that the weekend brought. These days the silence after the M-F grind is equally painful if not more so.
Time spent with friends still provides some semblance of normalcy but there’s an uneasiness about it at times. It feels like an echo, an afterimage of who I was in the past. I don’t always know which direction I’m going in these days. I do know that the road ahead is a painful one, fraught with challenges. A close friends reminded me that right now I’m in protection mode. I don’t know that I totally agree with her, at times I feel like I’m on the edge of attack mode. Like I’m in a ready state of fight or flight but I’m not about to dash.
I continue to look for ways to vent and to speak when I need to be heard but it isn’t always easy. Cooking, photography, my blogging they all afford me a release in some ways. Sometimes I wonder if I need to get back to things with my hands, tools, martial arts. Sometimes you have to hurt to survive. I often escape into science fiction and the Netflix series Luke Cage had a good line, “Survival costs”
