This post is not for the squeamish and it’s not a pleasant topic to say the least. Something that might be difficult for people to grasp is that in the throws of a major depressive episode people start to lose sight of the sense of hygiene. It’s not pleasant to think about and even worse to experience it.
While I was in the shower, I thought about what it was that made the process so averse. It dawned on me that part of the disconnect is a fear of touch. It’s hard to describe it, but the closest I found was haphephobia, a general fear of physical contact. Sometimes associated with unwanted touch or contact with the opposite sex. When the shower head first hits you there’s that moment of contact with the water be it warm or cold. For me it takes a second to not react, to not suddenly recoil at the increase in sensation. It isn’t the temperature or anything, it’s the presence of something making contact with skin. The emotional numbness of depression sometimes feels like nothing touches you, literally and figuratively. Emotions, personal contact feels alien. A shower becomes something like a massive sensory overload. The water on your face reminds you of night spent crying, the warmth reminds you of a person whose body heat isn’t there anymore. What most people find relaxing and soothing becomes a storm for people suffering from depression.
The painful part about this is that the entire process starts to compound upon itself. You experience depression, you feel your self image deteriorate, your hygiene fades, your exterior then becomes worse, pushing your self image even further down. Depression, anxiety, over time it in its own subtle way, makes your outside look as bad as you envision your insides to be. For most folks this is simply “you aren’t focused enough, you’re being self absorbed”. “You’re letting yourself go” is probably the phrase I’ve heard from many. People who haven’t experienced clinical depression won’t really ever fully understand it.
My road to recovery was not a quick one. I gradually let myself go as I saw no point in taking care of myself. Eventually though I crawled my way out of it. I started with routine, specifically my morning shaving routine. It sounds mundane and boring but being clean shaved was the first step and gradually I got myself back into taking care of myself. It is still at times a major effort to focus on keeping myself into a normal routine. I’d be lying if I said that the start of my shower doesn’t trigger some pretty rough emotions. To anyone suffering from this shift, I get it, I understand it. Take it slow, start with something as simple as washing your face or even using a sponge bath to get used to ‘being clean’ again. It sounds gross and trust me that stigma is not lost on those of us battling mental illness. It adds to the difficulty in seeking help.
