Month: July 2018

Slow Days of Summer

OK that seems backwards right? Summer is supposed to be an active time but truth be told, for me summer has been a work slog punctuated by the occasional range visit.

I’ve been doubling down on two vastly different coping tools these last few

months. My focus time getting behind my guns at the range practicing and bread making.  These two things have nothing to do with one another but they work for me. Firearms are always a touchy subject and especially with gun violence in the news it sometimes feels like I’m courting controversy on a nearly weekly basis. The gradual improvements and things I can try make it an activity I’m able to sink my teeth into and that is hard to come by with my anhedonia.

With bread making while there’s no controversy there’s certainly carbs. I was actually pleasantly surprised to find out that while the bread can go about three days outside it’ll last another week in the fridge meaning my efforts can hang around a while as a spare snack bread or quick-breakfast option. Anyone struggling with depression can probably attest that making a healthy breakfast in the morning can seem like a monumental task when an episode hits and that’s no different for me.

Several friends announced their engagements and it has at times been a difficult thing to hear. It’s weird knowing that while I am happy for them all, the prospect also gives me pause and at times becomes cringe inducing. It’s been over two years since my divorce and matrimony holds little in the way of appeal. Maybe some day I’ll be ok enough to attend a wedding again, but today is certainly not that day.

While people complain about the heat and make summer plans, I’m mostly looking inward. Another year older, a lot of things to reflect upon and change. I find my blog to be quiet as of late, with no real profound words of wisdom I can share, just the daily struggles and what’s worked and hasn’t. Here’s to hoping that for anyone else struggling this season with depression in any form that there are at least a few days of solace sprinkled amid the rest of the days.

Fourth of July — Some Self-Reflection and Thoughts Going in to 2019

The Fourth of July is an interesting time. In the past I’d spend it at some event with the family looking at fireworks. Being partially color blind though fireworks never really quite held the sway for me as those around me. This year I find myself just around the corner from the 4-0 as well. In some ways parts of my life are better, other ways not so much. Lot of regrets, lots of things I’m still angry about.

With 2019 not that far off I’m trying to focus on the really critical things. Leisure and pleasure are back burnered for a while, trying to key on the things I need for both mental health and physical wellbeing are first and foremost. My circle of friends remains a fairly small, but trusted group.  Work is work I suppose, neither particularly positive and its negatives are about the norm for the last few years.

I hope to cook more balance my diet and activity. I hope to study more to give myself more options going forward. Realizing that I will start to slow down on my ability to keep pace has me reminding myself that I need to find better ways to do all the things I’ve done in the past.

Amid the fireworks and loud noises and the raucous celebrations for our country’s independence, I hope that folks aren’t forgetting to look forward at the things that have yet to be done. Here’s wishing anyone who follows my blog a very Happy Fourth and here’s hoping the later half of 2018 is a good one.